It takes its toll. There’s something not right about me the past months. If I list them, I end up complaining. If I don’t, I don’t have quite a material to reflect why all these happening to me.

I was so brave to reject my cousins from visiting me last month. Thing I didn’t even have the slightest idea in the past. I often end up be the one who waited for others in some appointments. And as always, I could not tell my point clear enough to prevent such thing to happen, or, to let others know that I’m not happy with their treatment. I was too soft for others and I apparently become too hard to myself.

Any many times, I end up being the one who sounds complaining too much about others and cannot do anything to make better deal for both parties. Because… I was too soft not to show my emotion but I actually exploded to ‘other side.’ To be frank, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to call myself a loser.

I also thought much about what I expect these days. I asked my cousin to help me buying books I need and it didn’t happen. My lampshade order hasn't materialized either, the craftsman keeps saying it'll be ready soon but two weeks have passed. The thing is I didn’t hear anything but yes. It makes me wonder how people commit to a yes. I still have issue about it. Why people do that to others, like they don’t share their thought about anything? Like when I told a friend how I had to wait because I was prompt, he said many people expect us to be late. How would I know that? How would I know I’m dealing with such type of people? Because… I don’t want to ending up to be the one who doesn’t respect other people’s time.

It may sound crazy that I keep my value so high. I do anything properly; I treat people with the best universal ethics. I may not be normal in today’s world. I still expect to see whoever picks me up in airport when I walk out the terminal door. It hardly happens anymore. Meet me in parking lot. Meet me in Starbucks. My report emails go to the drain as well I suspect since I rarely got response of emails I spared time to write because I care about the recipient. No such thing anymore in this world. Nothing is universal anymore. Many have been gone through autonomy. People follow their own ethic. Their own measure.

I wrote this to release my thought. I have tried to share with some good friends to help me getting positive insights of what I felt or feel. But it seems I have sounded like I complain more than leading a healthy positive discussion. I can understand. I also reflect what I should do to vent my disappointment without sounding complaining.

Today I got seaters I ordered pretty wrong. I have made a decision too quick. I didn’t give time for my idea to sink before I let it out. It may have applied to too many things now. I need time and I have to spare time for myself a lot from now on.

Things get blurred in the background.

I’m back in Ubud yesterday after ‘only’ eight days away to Jakarta and Malang. I felt like I’d been away two to three weeks. In the plane, I tried to recall what I did and have done the past eight days. It’s funny feeling that I feel time went slow. Maybe too many things have happened during my stay in Jakarta and Malang. Some significant things like having a new laptop computer. It’s a big thing for me because I live with computer.

My life in Malang was a bit monotonous too. It’s me, it’s not because of other people. I created another website for my new venture that I haven’t materialized. I don’t feel that connected with my nephew because, now I blame, my stay was too short. Often I feel, these days, that there are too many things on my plate. But I don’t want to be trapped in Coelho’s idea that actually I have made myself stuck. But maybe, I’m really stuck.

A friend wrote on his Facebook the other day that his words stay in my mind till today. I can categorize myself as an introvert person but I also share quite a lot about my thought and feelings with my close ones via any mode of communication. I reflect, lately, I feel that there’s something not right about being too externalized. I feel overwhelmed by my own words. Think I need to change a bit that may look like I care less. When every thought is externalized,
what becomes of insight?
When we reflexively post each feeling,
what becomes of reflection?


Hey, need to get up now, start working on the new venture soon! I want to see it flourishing soon.

Mama’s garden from the house.

Paulo Coelho got me naked. He posted on his blog about thing that I have been pondering for months. It rings true and I’m totally naked now.

The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight.

The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.

And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight.

Yes, I might have refused to fight the Good Fight! There’s something wrong in my system the past months that I’m so scared to do better, best! It’s not me at all! I have lost all the good drive to turn a dream into reality. I got a big plan in Ubud just before I left, and as I’m pondering it now, I got freak-out. I feel overwhelmed by something that doesn’t exist yet. I refuse to fight the Good Fight!

I have tried to work on the issue, bit by bit, step by step, by recognizing what stops me. I keep saying I need two brains although I know my brain is big enough to handle all these little things. I feel disappointed quite easily these days. Seems that I haven’t made my world small enough. My micro-environment is not small enough for me to feel really comfortable. I’m scared about nothing. I don’t stretch enough. I haven’t stretched enough.

Now how?

The skirts installation at the Art Bazaar, Jakarta.