It takes its toll. There’s something not right about me the past months. If I list them, I end up complaining. If I don’t, I don’t have quite a material to reflect why all these happening to me.

I was so brave to reject my cousins from visiting me last month. Thing I didn’t even have the slightest idea in the past. I often end up be the one who waited for others in some appointments. And as always, I could not tell my point clear enough to prevent such thing to happen, or, to let others know that I’m not happy with their treatment. I was too soft for others and I apparently become too hard to myself.

Any many times, I end up being the one who sounds complaining too much about others and cannot do anything to make better deal for both parties. Because… I was too soft not to show my emotion but I actually exploded to ‘other side.’ To be frank, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to call myself a loser.

I also thought much about what I expect these days. I asked my cousin to help me buying books I need and it didn’t happen. My lampshade order hasn't materialized either, the craftsman keeps saying it'll be ready soon but two weeks have passed. The thing is I didn’t hear anything but yes. It makes me wonder how people commit to a yes. I still have issue about it. Why people do that to others, like they don’t share their thought about anything? Like when I told a friend how I had to wait because I was prompt, he said many people expect us to be late. How would I know that? How would I know I’m dealing with such type of people? Because… I don’t want to ending up to be the one who doesn’t respect other people’s time.

It may sound crazy that I keep my value so high. I do anything properly; I treat people with the best universal ethics. I may not be normal in today’s world. I still expect to see whoever picks me up in airport when I walk out the terminal door. It hardly happens anymore. Meet me in parking lot. Meet me in Starbucks. My report emails go to the drain as well I suspect since I rarely got response of emails I spared time to write because I care about the recipient. No such thing anymore in this world. Nothing is universal anymore. Many have been gone through autonomy. People follow their own ethic. Their own measure.

I wrote this to release my thought. I have tried to share with some good friends to help me getting positive insights of what I felt or feel. But it seems I have sounded like I complain more than leading a healthy positive discussion. I can understand. I also reflect what I should do to vent my disappointment without sounding complaining.

Today I got seaters I ordered pretty wrong. I have made a decision too quick. I didn’t give time for my idea to sink before I let it out. It may have applied to too many things now. I need time and I have to spare time for myself a lot from now on.

Things get blurred in the background.

I’m back in Ubud yesterday after ‘only’ eight days away to Jakarta and Malang. I felt like I’d been away two to three weeks. In the plane, I tried to recall what I did and have done the past eight days. It’s funny feeling that I feel time went slow. Maybe too many things have happened during my stay in Jakarta and Malang. Some significant things like having a new laptop computer. It’s a big thing for me because I live with computer.

My life in Malang was a bit monotonous too. It’s me, it’s not because of other people. I created another website for my new venture that I haven’t materialized. I don’t feel that connected with my nephew because, now I blame, my stay was too short. Often I feel, these days, that there are too many things on my plate. But I don’t want to be trapped in Coelho’s idea that actually I have made myself stuck. But maybe, I’m really stuck.

A friend wrote on his Facebook the other day that his words stay in my mind till today. I can categorize myself as an introvert person but I also share quite a lot about my thought and feelings with my close ones via any mode of communication. I reflect, lately, I feel that there’s something not right about being too externalized. I feel overwhelmed by my own words. Think I need to change a bit that may look like I care less. When every thought is externalized,
what becomes of insight?
When we reflexively post each feeling,
what becomes of reflection?


Hey, need to get up now, start working on the new venture soon! I want to see it flourishing soon.

Mama’s garden from the house.

Paulo Coelho got me naked. He posted on his blog about thing that I have been pondering for months. It rings true and I’m totally naked now.

The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight.

The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.

And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight.

Yes, I might have refused to fight the Good Fight! There’s something wrong in my system the past months that I’m so scared to do better, best! It’s not me at all! I have lost all the good drive to turn a dream into reality. I got a big plan in Ubud just before I left, and as I’m pondering it now, I got freak-out. I feel overwhelmed by something that doesn’t exist yet. I refuse to fight the Good Fight!

I have tried to work on the issue, bit by bit, step by step, by recognizing what stops me. I keep saying I need two brains although I know my brain is big enough to handle all these little things. I feel disappointed quite easily these days. Seems that I haven’t made my world small enough. My micro-environment is not small enough for me to feel really comfortable. I’m scared about nothing. I don’t stretch enough. I haven’t stretched enough.

Now how?

The skirts installation at the Art Bazaar, Jakarta.

Meeting good friends is the theme of my Jakarta visit this time. My days are packed with back-to-back meetings. I left Ubud with only two major appointments: visit Mac shop and dentist, plus see some friends of course. I initiated two get-togethers but none worked. It’s not easy to organize a get-together with more than two parties. I learned from Facebook how to measure the level of enthusiasm. It’s so easy to spot a less enthusiastic party. From the response!

A good old mate from office back to twenty years ago accompanied me almost all day in the computer shop two days ago. It was really nice since he’s a real Apple-gadget freak. He helped us (me and Mac staffs) working out on accessing files without moving them. It was really fun to also learn how powerful Google can be in helping out us solving problems. Just use the right keywords and you are there. Helped!

Yesterday I spent time with six girlfriends and one male friend in a mall. Literally, I spent eight hours in the mall. I had a chance to view a prestigious art bazaar in a 5-star hotel adjacent to the mall. It’s so nice to see ‘real arts,’ I mean, arts with quality I rarely enjoy since I live in Ubud. It’s a one-stop exhibition of most popular artists from Indonesia and elsewhere like Murakami and some famous upcoming Chinese artists. It freshened my mind, sharpened my artsy eyes. My girlfriends and I had really nice chat with a famous Danish artist lives in Sanur. I promised to visit his studio-cum-house since long. I hope next week is good time for us so we can meet in his place finally.

Today I could not plan a lazy day at home. I liked to see a good friend who just returned from seven-week travel in Europe. I’d like to hear her story about how she went places: the arrangement, the accommodation, the transport, and… how much she spent for the whole adventure. I have a big plan for next year or two so need to know. It was really fun listening to her. One and half hour later my other good girlfriend joined the conversation that made it more interesting.

I feel happily full that I don’t think I can accommodate another get-together tonight for dinner especially after dentist visit with cleaning and a cavity. The idea is great but really… I miss my own time, be with my new ‘pet.’ Tomorrow is going to be my last day and a brunch is already waiting. Ask me what I want now… My place in Ubud.

My friend’s work exhibited in Jakarta this weekend.

Funny week continues. Yesterday I sat at Nuri’s Warung for an hour waiting for a new acquaintance from Jakarta to have lunch together. Another waiting that resulted zero. My friend said that I have been too ‘western’ that I cannot understand why people late. My friend might be wrong. My new acquaintance is American. Very western! My guess is people tend to think that people who live in Bali is on holiday. So they take their time because holiday-goers have all the time.

Another friend laughed when I said I need a holiday. For someone lives in Bali? It’s confirmed that the impression is people live in Bali is on holiday for ever. Eeek! Not true. My thought, we need to be away from wherever we live so we can appreciate our hometown. It sounds unbelievable for people live in holiday destinations but it’s true. When we fly back, it feels precious. The feeling of coming back to the paradise is beyond words!

I’m getting ready for Jakarta tomorrow morning. Packing is not an issue since I have ample of kilogram allowance with domestic airlines. Going to Jakarta and later Malang are easy too because I have clothes in Jakarta. Or, I have some stuff I need in both cities. I really enjoyed my day at home. It is a real holiday.

Still I plan a sort of holiday in Jakarta. Although I also bring a complicating new idea to develop when I get back. It’s not me if I don’t sort of complicate my life.

A ray of light, my Ganesh.

Think I have had too many holidays. I’m addicted. And in the moment like now, I’m already high on… a break! I’m intoxicated!

I spent a day with my dear dear friend from Belgium. We saw each other again for the first time after eleven months last night in her parents’ house. It was so nice to see her again. We clicked again right away. This rainy morning, I took her and her two cousins from Holland to Sanur. The famous Sunday market. Just for the fun of it. We didn’t eat much, didn’t shop much. It was drizzling and sunny alternately almost all day.

The traffic in Ubud and on the way to Sanur were incredibly unusual. Full! There were spots that I felt like I was in Jakarta. Sea of cars, and stop. My endurance has run thinner it seems. Bali has pampered me most of the time, traffic wise, but of course nothing is eternal. The girls were asleep.

I dropped my plan to go to Yogya to see my great auntie’s museum project next week. The time doesn’t fit us and really I don’t want to squeeze everything in one single trip. I want to enjoy every moment I spend with myself and close ones. I look forward to starting my next trip in two days though. I have already fixed all appointments: shop, friends, dentist, and hairstylist. A friend suggested us to go picnic in the forest near Bogor that I haven’t said yes. Again, I don’t want to cram all nice things in a pot. It’s going to be a very short visit. Well, five days can be short if every day is fully booked.

A friend shared me about her summer. It s*cks, she said. Her mother in-law is not well, her son’s two lovely dogs passed within 11 days, her new place in other country is not ready yet, two son’s weddings coming within three months… For me, my summer is unusual. So many unusual things happen especially in the past weeks. Till I asked myself more often: it’s me, or it’s the Universe?

It could be me, it could be you!

Sail, sail, sail.

I fall in like with Ubud all over again. I refused to leave house the past two days. The weather is so so lovely although it’s wet again today. The temperature is hardly above 23º all day. Yes, it’s colder when I woke up in the dark. I enjoy bed more and more. Lying awake in the dark half awake half asleep about two hours before get up must have met the recommendation of having a minute of silence before starting the day. It’s not just a minute but minutes but it’s fine, I can also get the benefit to be more aware of what I think, of what I do.

So many significant things happened in the past days. It’s just strange that suddenly I claimed to be in the map. I did something I never did before to relatives for I felt I have shared ample of tolerance for so long with her. It was not one of my days maybe but I strongly claimed my time and privacy instead of entertaining relatives who doesn’t know the value of time and privacy. I’m still amazed that I could do it!  It might never cross my Javanese mind without my foreigner sister and foreigner friend around.

I made quite a good progress around house and homework. I removed the guest bed in the living room yesterday so I can redecorate and… reconsidering. I prepared the next three years of my shop in Monkey Forest. Feel like I have done much but I haven't actually.  I cannot believe I will only stay in Ubud two weeks since I got back from a month away last June. Time flies, time stays.

It’s rare that I have a firm idea for my next travel but haven’t got into a real itinerary yet. I keep checking out calendar, asking and talking with friends and myself like I don’t know what I want. I blame it on Ubud. Because… I want to stay in longer.

My favorite statuettes from Timor.

I feel like king today! Not even queen! I’m on top of the world. I have all the authority to have… fun!

Spending two days with a lady with sort of problems, I found my life simple. Too simple. Or complicatedly simple. It's simple because I can be so happy just because of the weather at the moment. It's so perfect! It’s sunny, but it’s so breezy cool at 25-26º in the afternoon! Summer has come to Bali, I hope. Dry but cool unlike the weather when I got in two weeks ago – wet and wet.

So, yes, I don’t want to do anything today. I practically spent the past four days for other people – friends and relatives. I missed exercise and being idle – mind and body. It was nice but I realize now it’s also tiring in and out. But no day without learning, I learned to master more creating a ‘micro environment’ of my life. In museum theory and practice, micro environment is any small enclosure that has its own internal climate. In life, or in my life, a micro environment means my small enclosure that addresses issues but in the smaller size and scope. I’m better and better in grouping other people’s issues, and my own, so I know which to deal and which to discard.

I discard almost all people’s issues. I listen but I take great distance from it. I stay outside and even try not to watch. I acknowledge mine and only choose that needs ‘better management.’ Thing that doesn’t add to my happiness, simply goes to Trash (like in Mac), and I Empty Trash frequently. I’m happy with my achievement so far. I feel lighter just because I put others’ as my mirror to know what’s more important in my life. And I don’t let people take what’s important for me from me.

Hey, I feel good! I’m going to host three relatives for two nights from tonight! I also expect to see three good friends to the weekend and plan on my next 3-city tour.  Again, it’s always nice to have something to anticipate every day.

Another portrait of a good life.

What a second day of cleaning house! For one, I’m going to host relatives in the next four nights but it’s also time for me to give the house ‘a big bath.’ It’s been long since the past two long trips I made. I hardly stayed home long enough to give some parts a thorough attention. I raided those nook and cranny especially in the kitchen and bathroom where there’s open part. Ubud dust can be black like in polluted metropolitan. It might be because of the damp weather that the dirt sticks. Anyway, it’s a really big project I have been doing the past two mornings.

I had late lunch with good girlfriends from Perth and lives in Ubud. We’re all ex-Jakartan. It was a nice hilarious lunch. It’s so nice to listen to girls talking about what they fantasized. Face job under knives. Thing that hasn’t been in my mind (yet). I liked the way they were so frank about what they visualized when they were by themselves in front of mirror. Pull here, pull there. No wonder that such business has become big the past decade.

I went grocery shopping before home and ran across some neighbors. My dear neighbor was so excited to see me. Yea, it’s been one month at least. Catch up on Facebook is not enough, we talked about his ill Mom and his happy life with his boyfriend. Then I spotted my neighbor who looks after the stray dog that came to our compound some time ago. She and her husband were so nice to have taken the dog to vet to get vaccination. Sally has become a communal alarm now. She sleeps in front of my neighbor’s door. Cute dog I grow to like more each day.

So for such a simple shopping, I spent an hour! A good hour with catch up so nothing wasted. I skipped a visit to my great-auntie in the evening because of uncertain time and it was raining. I rescheduled the meeting to tomorrow morning. I can see that I won’t have much time for my shop and myself in the coming two weeks. I got more emails from friends abroad and in Jakarta asking to meet up in Ubud. Fine!

Another billboard in the National Library, Singapore.

The past few days, especially today, a strange thing is happening. I’m not sure, it’s me, or it’s me? My 3-day roommate asked Pardon? a lot during our time together that I thought hard if my speech was so unclear that she could not hear. Sometimes I had to repeat a word or a short sentence twice to make her understand what I tried to tell. Two good male friends once told me that my articulation was a blur. And when I open mouth so that my articulation becomes clearer, a friend thought I mocked.

I felt like playing Srimulat comedy sometimes. I almost burst out laughing when one morning my roommate thought I said Taj Mahal but actually I mentioned something else (that I forgot) which sounded totally different. I observed her. It might not be my fault. Often I thought people who are not able to ‘listen’ well have a busy mind, or I often said, are in the other world. I have to understand but it annoys me at the same time. Or, I might have annoyed them also?

But… it doesn’t happen to oral discourse only. I learned the past two days from Facebook that people can totally lose track of events though the thread of conversation is there and so clear (to me). Like when I said I miss home, two friends commented Happy traveling!. Couldn’t they see the context? Miss home = happy traveling? And worse, in the thread, a friend already talked about how we could have met in airport means… it’s past tense. Now I’m being a complicated linguist! I’m just curious and wondering.  My hypothesis is not many people 'read.' Often a friend asks something I already mention in email. Oh, you should put it in separate email? Does it guarantee? I doubt it. When you don’t read/listen, you don’t read/listen.

I mildly snapped at my masseuse this afternoon after several Hah?! from her side. She hardly let me finish my statement when she Hah?! me. I told her to wait and listen before reacted. I don’t like to do this but after my experience the past days, I have come to my top.

It reminds me of a book critics (cum-editor) post in his blog:

Writer: May I speak to the editor?

Editor: You are speaking to him.

Writer: I was asked to talk to you to have my book published?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am a good writer, though I don’t write English very well!

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me decide that?

Writer: Do you think you could get it translated into Chinese for the China [Chinese] market?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: Do you think you can get my book translated into other languages as well?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am quite free, you know. I am able to travel all over the world to talk about my book.

Editor: But first, why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me take a look at it?

Writer: I was advised not to send my book to a vanity press in America. Do you think I should have my book published that way?

Editor: Publishers can only publish so many books. Most manuscripts are rejected for many, many reasons, some obvious, some not so obvious. If no publisher wants to publish your book, and if you are adamant about having it published, then you go to a vanity press. You get what you pay for, get it!

Writer: What about a self-publisher?

Editor: You mean you want to publish it yourself?

Writer: No, I want to give it to a self-publisher?

Editor: And who is this self-publisher? Yourself?

Writer: My book is really good, you know? No writer has ever done what I have done!
...

Happy Srimulat-ing!

A billboard at the National Library Singapore.

Now I feel tired. I’m ready to stay home for the next two weeks at least. I realized when standing in the queue in Changi this afternoon how tired I'm of traveling. Especially international trip, where we are needed to check in two hours before at least, plus standing in the queue in immigration and security check at the gate. Somehow I can understand why some people are not keen of traveling. Stay in the comfort zone is always nice: no queue, no uncertainty.

Three days passed in a blip. The things we can do in Singapore is the same with in Jakarta: shopping and dining. My friend and I spent the first day in one mall (only) for seven hours. Yesterday, we planned to go to a museum but ended up feeling ‘full’ after meeting an interesting American friend in the National Library. It’s not because of her that we're feeling full but the humidity in the nice alfresco café where we sat 1.5 hours. We felt refreshed after listening to an interesting life story of an American in Singapore. Been eight years around, she is preparing her ‘next life’ somewhere in Asia. Ubud is on her top list that I am more than supportive of her. She is a writer. Writer is a flexible profession these days as the world is so connected.

We decided to watch matinee near our hotel instead of visiting a museum. We’d been eying the title since the first day. After an unexpectedly big lunch, we entered the theater. The building is not ‘young’ so the alleys to each studio. We found ours in the end on an alley. The door is made of steel like a storage door. It was already dark inside that we needed some time to get used to the contour of the room. No contour! It’s a flat room and the screen is high up there. It reminded me of cinema in my childhood where we had to look up to the screen because it’s not in the eye level. For the second time, after experiencing unsteady connection in the room of a 5-star hotel, we wondered Is this Singapore?

Ninety eight minutes later, I felt my neck broken from looking up and moving it from right to left constantly. I sat behind a man that of course his head was taller than me, so in a flat room, I was gone! It was a so-so movie, brilliant story, simplified ending ala Hollywood. The trouble maker ‘is killed’ within minutes after the short suspense. The family then lives happily ever after. It’s not fair after a brilliant start!

It was raining in Singapore this morning. Nice for a change after two days of sun and high humidity. My friend and I didn’t have idea for the day. We only had half day to spend together. We spent long hours at the breakfast before decided to roam a mid-class mall across the hotel. It’s a ‘fun’ mall housing tailors, internet depots, salons, and low-priced clothing shops. Although all come in reasonable prices, but they make efforts to make their business place interesting through its displays.

We had time to finish fruits in the room before I left for the airport first. My friend still needed to fetch her document in Indonesian Embassy before airport. It was all smooth the way I wanted but still… the idea of staying home for a couple weeks is nice!

By the way, before breakfast, I arranged my next travel two weeks from now. It’s always nice to know when the next is.

Twilight up in the air near Bali.

It’s strange last night. I was so curious about the final result of the World Cup but I didn’t feel like staying up for the match. It’s 2:30 Singapore time. My friend and I went to bed around 00:30. She arrived a bit late then we walked to find something to nibble so we were late to bed.

I awoke about 70 minutes after the match started. I went online in the dark to see the result. It’s was still 0-0. Just a few minutes after I switched off, I heard Hoaaaaa… from somewhere so I went online again. Nothing happened. I struggled for some minutes to get back to sleep. I managed. I think I dreamed about the football. I was so anxious because many of my friends were for Spain while my knowledge was Netherland has good football players. I was just confused and so curious to see if Paul the Octopus were right again in predicting this time.

I woke up late and went online right away. I feel sorry that Netherlands lost. But even, I was amazed knowing how they played. It’s so rough! No wonder they don’t get much… respect? My friend in Amsterdam said it’s so quiet on the street, no more parties till morning so she slept soundly before catching train to Berlin. It’s so interesting learning how excited they were and suddenly died out.

I already said to myself I’m not going to shop for clothes, shoes, and books. I have enough! But I don’t mind checking out underwear. My friend joined me sooner than we had expected. We roamed Orchard street just before the shops open at 11. Seven hours later, just in one mall (the old Ngee Ann City), we bought all we thought we need. I didn’t buy shoes and books, but the former and the latter. I won’t do again tomorrow! Shall I repeat? Don’t believe me…

A picture posted on Facebook only a few hours after the match over.

Idling in airport can be fun! Fun because there’s no other option if we have to wait. I arrived in airport a bit too early. It happens when my flight leaves in the early afternoon; my day is chopped into two. I’m not here in the morning, neither there in the afternoon. It’s okay, it’s just another day spent in airport.

The queue in check-in counter was long. Long and there’s uncertainty in the air. I observed the weary tanned travelers from Bali ready to hop onto the next holiday destination, Bangkok. Traveling is fun, always, but yes you need good stamina because of the waiting and all the procedures in airport. I was in the queue for half hour, not so bad. The check-in counter staff was so efficient. That’s when we spent some $4 to assign a seat. No seat searching needed.

My flight was delayed almost an hour. I thought about it, or, I might have projected on it to happen. I already told some friends that I never experienced delay on the budget airlines I just tried last January. It’s fine, I can still handle an hour. I have all day to just travel today although I don’t go that far, only 2.5 hours away from Denpasar.

This week is definitely a ‘Jakarta week’ for me. I spent time from Friday to Thursday next week with old friends from Jakarta who already live away from Indonesia. It’s part of spending summer in Bali. The coming three days, I will be in Singapore with a good friend lives in Jakarta. It’s been years we didn’t travel together so we are excited to anticipate our time together. The timing is so perfect as we don’t see each other much since I moved to Bali and she spends almost half year in London with her boys.

The final match of World Cup will be at 2:30 am Singapore time tomorrow. I’m not into it but learning the hype I cannot resist but consider to watch somewhere near hotel. I’m not sure though since I don’t care that much (except that in my face many of my friends are for Spain, I am very curious why?!) and I’m not sure if my roommate will kick us enough to watch. If I were in Bali, I might consider to watch the match with friends on Sanur beach. I got invitation for the fun together. See? It’s the hype!

I am now on board. I left my main laptop at home for the first time. It’s only a short trip so I thought I can survive without it. I already got the first hit of not having my laptop. I forgot to charge my music! I know it has some hours still but I have started to feel ridiculously insecure. I also didn’t prepare to download pictures on this travel laptop as I consider this laptop public. The latter doesn’t matter much but it’s just odd that I feel I’m not going to be that updated!

Think I will be off now. I have an unusual male-male couple neighbor, holding hands (fine), but one sings out loud with his iPad plays something with audible noise. What a patient spouse he has!

I uploaded this post from a tea-house in the latest upmarket mall in Orchard. So noisy on Sunday afternoon when getting a seat was quite tough!

Do you look forward? My good friend asked if I look forward to my next trip. I thought for a while. It feels a bit far away to think about my next trip. I look forward to starting my day when he asked. I look forward to meeting my favorite salon owner in Mas, meeting my good girlfriend from Perth over lunch, even scrubbing floor after my second washing machine moved to one of my shops this morning. That’s a good attitude! He continued. I thought again. Yea! Now I realize, it is a good attitude to be able to ‘look forward’ at any time in any circumstance. I’m happy! I am.

I stayed home yesterday since I looked forward to creating collage again in my nest. I was not that successful. I spent the day replying some important emails and being a ‘fixer’ to many things for my relatives. There are times that I end up helping out close ones to do things. I don’t mind if I can. In the end of the day, I only managed to create one collage. And, I’m not satisfied with my creation. Again, there are times…

This morning I had my monthly hilarious moment with my color stylist. It’s a good 90 minutes. Smart guy from Java. Funny, witty, and can talk about many topics. With him, I can always see issues from the fun part. And over lunch, my girlfriend I saw last time a year ago, shared about her new life back in Australia. I enjoyed seeing her sparkling. I followed her new stage of life the past two years so I’m happy to see it gets better every year. We giggled like schoolgirls. Two hours is not enough but enough! We’re happy to have met and will do again next week.

I stopped by my shop for a short while. So happy to see the new layout. It’s so fresh! Like decorating house, it needs time to see then put things. I’m excited. I’m satisfied with the progress I made. Now I look forward to my next trip the day after tomorrow!

My last creation for self.

Wow, I ticked so many things off today! I checked my bank again and only got bitter news that my device for internet banking can only be active after six workdays from last Tuesday! I saw my friend being locked out from his bank for almost a week for similar reason. Why do banks make such rules? Security or merely being slow?

I worked in Hanuman shop for a few hours. What relieves me is… I had a chance to meet my landlord finally! It’s about time to talk about the extension of the rent. I had become quite nervous not knowing her decision to let me continue or not. She once mentioned about starting a business herself after I finish renting the first term. Looking for a new space can be quite painful. Location, renovation, after haggling with rate. I prefer to do the easiest option that is extending.

Ibu was nice. We had nice chat about her health, her concern about her children’s business (her son is painter that hardly sells his work), and her plans to renovate parts of the compound. The chat was with a bit gossip about neighbors of course. This is part of a negotiation: listening. We rarely met and she was super nice to me the first time we met two years ago so I didn’t mind to sit longer to listen to her venting. Negotiating the rate was not that hard. We could meet mid way in minutes. Apparently, she really wanted to keep me as renter as long as I can. That is nice!

A big item ticked off!

I made another plan in the other shop. Selecting paintings to install in the other shop for a change. I want to give the shop a new nuance. Not past time but more contemporary! My staffs were so helpful as always in helping me realizing my plan. I appreciate them!

Like other workdays in Ubud, four hours is my all-day work! For one, for me to get from point A to B takes seconds. Literally! Ubud is in… now I’m not sure… low season? The traffic is still bearable. People work as slow so there’s nothing I can do to speed up. Look at the bank, the big institution also does the same. Here we have all the time to do things!

Before the day ended, I spent an hour gardening in the shower area! The creeper on the shower wall had grown quite wildly the past one month I was away. I don’t like cutting plants so what I did is tying the plants to tame its wildness. While doing so, I sprayed the floor with bleaching liquid to remove moss. I found it effective so that I don’t need to scrub hard. The anti-fungal agent works pretty well. So yes, I beautified my shower in an hour! Alfresco shower is the best! What a good life!

Recycled mouse I saw in UP Diliman, Manila.

Summer is here although the weather doesn’t say so. It’s December! It’s raining every day after midday till morning. The sun often looked so promising in the morning but do not believe in it! I had my laundry wet again because I thought the rain could wait. It could not!

So what’s other sign that summer has come? I’m booked up! Heavily. Email poured in asking about my schedule to be in… Ubud! Some have arranged weeks ago, some did impromptu. I don’t mind either way as long as it fits my schedule.

I met a family friend over lunch today. They stay in Nusa Dua for a week so it’s nice to see them here. Being in Ubud means two things for me: work and meet friends. I could not work today for a complicated reason. Tomorrow and the day after are going to be an all-day work before meeting a good friend from Australia on Friday. And I have a bigger plan for the weekend. A sleepover in Nusa Dua or Jimbaran to meet up with a dear friend from Washington? Why not?

My next travel has been fixed. My friend just shook me to join him in another one round tour in Asia. Often we flew on the same day but to different directions. We are only connected via Facebook. We could hardly catch each other even in Jakarta. I was unwell for days last week in Jakarta that I didn’t want to see anybody, not just him. We didn’t manage to arrange us to be in the same destination. Singapore, Bangkok, Yangon, Mandalay, Macau, Malang. Hopefully, Jakarta on the first week of August.

Since I got back, I read Gilbert’s last book Committed. Such a light book to read between errands. Light to read, not so light to ponder. Gilbert is so good in expressing her thought that represents the thought of many modern women. About being a woman in the 21st century! Where the landscape of love and life are not as simple as the love and life of… Hmong women (one of her examples). Her writing has a bit anthropology background that I enjoy reading so much because she brings it in popular way. I don’t need to study about women in Vietnam because I’m so close to Balinese women that I can see the similarity in conducting love and life. Love is not part of one’s biography. Husband is husband. It’s a position. Lover is never in the context because lover entails feelings in a relationship. Auw!

I can feel Gilbert is trying to understand how Hmong women work out the love in their life. While I don’t think Hmong women care enough about how we modern women put love in our biography landscape. The lady I met over lunch this afternoon inspired me to ponder more about this.

Tayag's funky table.

I was so smiley feeling the sun at 9:00 while driving to downtown Ubud. It was raining almost all night and cloudy in the morning so I enjoyed the sun more than anything. I smiled looking at my big-city skin color. Oh so pale like many Jakartan! A month away from the sun is enough to erase my suntan.

I did banking first things first. My internet-banking key was locked up on my last night in Jakarta before left for Manila so it’s been a month I live without virtual bank. I have a long payment list to do that people have been so understanding about my situation. It’s so inconvenient. Now although it takes two days before the key effective but at least I know it’s going to be ready soon.

I also took time to change the service of my broadband connection. Now to… unlimited! I didn’t know that they introduced cheaper package since three months ago so I paid over a million for over usage the past few months. Now I use fixed rate for unlimited. I just don’t know how to access all the information about things if we as customer are not notified. No complain. It happened and now has resolved.

Since I built my shop’s website I realize I need unlimited package to upload pictures and work on many things regarding the activity. I’m willing to help a friend to build website for her philanthropy work that I’m not able to share my time away from my activity yet. She has amazed me. Quit her over-a-decade long job to work for her own office and dedicate the rest of her time to do charity work. I have considered some helps I can offer. I read Fortune last edition about Buffet-Gates campaign to get billionaires to give away half their wealth. That amazed me fine but I’m touched more by the idea of people from my level of wealth. What can we do for others with whatever we have?

I had nice chat with an Indian visiting my shop this afternoon. I was in the shop to plan a new layout with my staff. It’s nice to see the shop with fresh paint. Like new! I really want to give the shop a new pulse this summer. I really hope all can be done within this week that I can see it could. I believe in high spirit!

Old radio at Tayag's house in Angeles City, PI.

Glad to be Unhappy
Rodgers/Hart for Frank Sinatra

Look at yourself, if you had a sense of humor
You would laugh to beat the band
Look at yourself, do you still believe the rumor
That romance is simply grand?

Since you took it right on the chin
You have lost that bright toothpaste grin
My mental state is all a-jumble
I sit around and sadly mumble

Fools rush in, so here I am
Very glad to be unhappy
I can't win, but here I am
More than glad to be unhappy

Unrequited love's a bore
And I've got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore
It's a pleasure to be sad

Like a straying baby lamb
With no mammy and no pappy
I'm so unhappy
But oh, so glad!
One month is like one hour I experienced at the show last night. There were so many interesting scenes on the stage in an hour that I thought the first part of the show lasted at least 1.5 hours. Today last month I left Ubud. Exactly one month! I feel 9.8 if I cannot say 10! Been in 6.5 last week, now I have a benchmark to know my tip-top condition. I felt excited, enthusiastic, and happy doing three-hour labor around the house to prepare my nest.

I’m glad I stayed for last night show. It’s not just because of the show but also because of my good friends. They were so nice to having mothers’-night-out with me. It’s always nice to know another ‘life’ especially life I’d never been… being a mother! I learned a lot about being mothers away from mother country. They are American. It touched me!

My trip home was smooth with a good start. The taxi company sent Alphard to take me to airport. It’s my first time being in such a luxurious van (as in taxi, I mean). I have come to accept taxis in Manila as part of my life in taxis but Jakarta never stops pampering its inhabitant. I thought about it while enjoying the smooth Sunday morning traffic. Life is so easy in Jakarta if you have all the ‘equipments.’ No queue in banks, government offices, or shops; once you are a client, they won't let you waiting. It makes life becomes less tougher in a way.

The flight was full of holiday-goers. It’s nice to see excited faces anticipating holiday in paradise while I rushed to go home – my ever holiday destination. Bali sun never fails me. It touched me to my joints and bones. I’m truly happy to be back home. There’s something magical about Ubud that makes me a crazy fan. I believe I’m not alone.

Now I have quite a long list to do in the next six days before my next… holiday.

Say it again?!

Funny that Sinatra’s song sings in the back of my mind the past days.

Being and feeling healthy is so so nice! I appreciate the feeling every second now. I was at my lowest point a few days ago, I felt. I even dreamed of Mama and Papa that people might think I made it up. Javanese believe in such thing that we have to be alert if old spirits come to visit in our dream. Either they don’t let you come to their space, or… they can’t wait to see you! In my case, I dreamed of them talking about plan to build a villa in Ubud. Don’t laugh! I think the scenery was in Ubud because we looked at rice field and nice gorge. Maybe they reminded me that I still have an unfinished business, so I better get well soon and back to work on my dream. I will!

I got up early this morning, had nice online chat with a good friend, and started the morning with my furry boyfriend. He always comes to bed after breakfast, dozed for a few good hours before the next meal – if he’s lucky to sleep without my interruption. How could I resist?! I love to poke to annoy him that then he pokes back and before too long we are fighting! My arms are still clear from any scratch. I don’t let him get too near.

I had an idea to revamp bedroom today. I moved things and tidied up places. I haven’t asked my girls to clean that they can do after I leave tomorrow morning. I just decided what they should do to clean and clear the air. It’s a nice spacious bedroom that has been disorganized after being occupied and unoccupied the past three years. Like an operating system, it needs a defragmentation. I have simplified the wires including fax machine that has been on since fifteen years ago! Who’s going to send fax these days? I took it off from the system. Sometimes time feels like stop, that everything stays the same.

It’s so nice to have enough time for self (hey, haven’t I always had?). I also took time to pack up my stuff for coming home tomorrow. It’s so luxurious to pack up without having to consider weight. My flight allows 25 kilos and I know they can tolerate up to 5 kilos at least. Even if I have to pay, the amount is small. I decided to leave quite many things here, like I did in Manila. My sister is right. How can I remember stuff I left in different places? I cannot but I enjoy the surprise of seeing them again! Ah, you are here! It seems that I have started nesting quite seriously in Manila and Jakarta houses. Seriously or unintentionally? Either and both.

I’m going to see a good dance show tonight with four friends. A show produced by a dance company where a good girlfriend work. We have anticipated watching the show for months now. They missed a big production last year so I better not to miss this one. I’m going to meet my friend’s four boys before I leave for a drink with my friends before the show. How perfect a day could be!

My furry boyfriend.

I’m 7.5 this morning. I have found an answer to How are you? question when somebody asks. As Javanese, I’m not used to rate my well-being including the state of my… health (i.e. physically and emotionally). Like I often said, I’m not satisfied with I’m fine answer because that’s cliché. Not precise. Am I being complicated? A bit.

But yes, a score can tell more precisely about the total level of my well-being (comfortable, healthy, happy). I was under 7 since I got back from Manila. It’s not easy to lever up the score when I’m not in my tip-top condition. Apparently, my happiness is based on my health. That I know better when I’m not in good one. My good friend commented on my text about how I appreciate health and living in Ubud now. Even more! Just because I was below score 7 for a week!

I was able to stretch my body softly. With Chiko the cat on the mat, it’s even more pleasurable. I also enjoyed loud music I hadn’t done long time. It was nice. I really wanted to give a good lift of my day. My shopping day. Suddenly I only had today to stock up stuff for Ubud. Not much but essential, things I cannot get in Bali. Ya, I still lead a ‘scary’ life where my necessities come from three cities at least. Not good!

I had nice chat over lunch in a busy Chinese restaurant with a good good girlfriend. The reason we were in the restaurant because I wanted a light healthy lunch that was chicken broth with vegetable that I only managed to down half portion. My appetite is still poor. Two good hours chatting was not enough but we really had to part. My good friend always said to close our meeting I don’t want to say goodbye. Fair enough. Although we hardly see each other more than once every four months but we look forward to seeing each other again when it comes to be parted.

We live by ‘look forward’ or at least I do. It gives me good energy to anticipate nice things to happen soon, or later. I am touched by the attention of my good friends who showed how ‘look forward’ they do to see and spend time with me tomorrow. My last day in Jakarta has been set by them. Even my good friend’s three boys are eager to see me if time permits. They will get a slight slot before I meet my other friends in the late afternoon.  Hope it works!

Ubud doesn’t seem so far away now.  A Facebook friend reminded me that I’m not that far from home and before I know it I will be in my tip-top shape again in my nest.

I look forward… to enjoying my last day in Jakarta and being in Ubud on the next day.

My dear Chiko and a comparison. A friend asked me to take the picture so she could tell his real size.

What a strange circumstance I have been the past three days? I feel like I am not myself. I was still uneasy when I flew in very early Monday that I took all Monday resting. I was back on Tuesday to meet two good girlfriends over lunch to unexpectedly rush hour 7 o’clock. I was close to vegetable again when I got home that it became worse in the night. My stomach reacted to something I didn’t know. I could not sleep all night because the upset tummy bothered me.

I was in bed all Wednesday and today!! I could not function at all yesterday till I got pill from my sms-doctor. I felt much better this morning but decided to take another day to just do nothing. I read and managed to finish my website project according to my personal date line that is first of July. I’m happy I managed to do it.

This is strange. It’s been so long I didn’t feel this way, like feeling unwell for days. I bless my days in Ubud that at the same time, maybe, it bears a consequence. I lead a too pure life. I eat healthy stuff with less oil and fat that my tummy cannot take such anymore. I inhale too pure air that stay long in a metropolitan city affects my system. Maybe. I have downgraded my life by upgrading it.

I only have two days left in Jakarta. I very look forward to fly back. If it is not because of good friends and a good show, I would have been… I may not sound happy now but I’m sure I would when I’m back in Ubud and look back what I have shared with good friends and myself. I don’t regret my decision to stay in Jakarta longer.

Time to reconnect with what I feel most important now.

Chair created by Tayag.

I’m a vegetable for a bit today. I had big plans for the next days including flying home that as a consequence I dropped my dates (yes plural) with some good friends in Jakarta this week. Dates that we had made a few weeks ago. I felt a bit bad when told a good friend about my plan to cancel our date. She has been so understanding and I was touched by her remarks. Your body also needs a rest. Do not stretch it just because you like to be constantly on the move. Then I felt bad.  I reconsidered my decision that had been set since I got up. I rescheduled my ticket and all fell into places.

Two friends already suggested me to rest for a few days before flying home. I still cannot accept the reality that my body is under the weather. Literally, I feel under the weather. Like it’s sunny out there and I’m under it (cloudy). I told my friend I don’t like the reality that I don’t have appetite even for food I used to crave. Our body is so powerful when it has come to send signals for us to stop torturing.

My other friend was so happy that I have more time to see her and her three boys visiting from London. I look forward to meeting them too. Now I have settled down about my new decision to accept Jakarta for a week. My cousin in Denpasar was in disbelief that I will stay in Jakarta that long. Yes, that long! I shall not think about it.

Here I am stay home, in computer, and in bed with Chiko the cat. We enjoy our closeness and way to communicate. There’s something magical about befriending with a cat. The unspoken language that binds us. I have created another mini-environment for my life in Jakarta so I’m able to survive being away from home. Where is home? The Indonesian lady I met in airport last night asked the same question. I told her, for me, I create home wherever I am.

I’m at home now!

The creature that turns house into home.

I don’t feel super the past days, or after the food tour. I still try to figure out what might be the culprit. This afternoon I got an insight, it might be my blood sugar level goes low. It’s been long I didn’t have sugar on my diet. I often have water after every meal, no juice in resto that usually contains sugar, and normally I don’t have sugar in my tea and kopi Bali. Ha. I’ve been too hard to my body it seems. I had tea with two teaspoonful of sugar before left for airport.

I left four hours before my departure because my friend’s flight leaves two hours earlier. It didn’t matter, airport living has become my monthly routine. I flew from terminal I’d never been so it’s all new to me. I used porter for the first time in Manila. My porter was so kind and smiley. I was lucky too the check-in counter let me in although it’s still one hour away before the counter opens.  Also, my 22.4 kilos went in without negotiation. He didn’t ask about my hand-carry bags either that obviously heavy (with two laptops) and big (with two wooden frames). I stuffed my handbag a bit since I was afraid of the kilos.

I pondered a lot about 15-20 kilos we can bring. How can a normal person carry stuff weigh 15-20 kilos when a good light expensive bag already weighs 4.5 kilos. 10-15 kilos of clothes, shoes, cosmetic, books and other survival kits? How can we? My chunky stone necklaces cannot travel with me. I complain a lot about this issue already. A friend who also travels a lot and obviously not a light packer like me said that our life is segmented into 20-kilo parcels. She might be true. I have survived living out of 20 kilos every other month. It should be fine!

Terminal 2 is great. Maybe it’s just me, but I realized the ground staffs are more smiley than in the other terminal. I should not compare, they are smiley period. The building is neat and clean but not too big (six gates as far as I can see). Only a few places for shopping (very few compares to the famous Changi) and only three to four eating stops that offer burgers of any kind.

True about traveling by self opens up to a new human connection. So lack of wi-fi connection has brought me and a family from Indonesia to have a conversation. They are bound for LA from Singapore where they live. It’s an interesting exchange about what you do, what I do. She found my life story interesting, so did I find hers. Exchanging name card closed the conversation, or connection?

I am still two hours away from departure. I better get something to eat although I can expect a late dinner on the airplane. It’s going to be too late for me to eat. I will continue reading the food tour book instead of my magazine that is sold in combo (with the edition about the new Mr. President who’s going to be officiated this coming Wednesday). I have enough information about him. Another interesting life in other country.

NAIA Terminal 2, 27.6.10 18.56

Flower arrangement at Bale Dutung, Angeles City.

It’s full moon and partial lunar eclipse today. Said whatever you put out will come back ten fold. Tennn fold!!

It’s been long I didn’t blame on full moon for my being a little uneasy in cruising the day. This time I blame it more on the food tour. My body feels uneasy since I got back from the trip that I reckon as part of the hiking level of cholesterol I have the issue for so long. It might not be either since I didn’t eat that much! But for sure, I ate what I don’t normally eat.

I don’t like uncertainty and that comes along with the uneasy feeling today. I blame it on the uncertainty of… packing my stuff! I need to carry some eight frames of my collage work that I don’t know how much kilo I would end up. In the back of my mind, I know things will sort out by itself. I should not have worry about anything. Anything! Practically anything!!!

Who else is to blame? Full moon, lunar eclipse, food tour, and uncertainty?

I have my website officiated (read: paid) today. Knowing that whatever we put out will come back ten fold, I can expect my website will be fruitful ten fold. Aamiin. I’m happy that finally I can claim the dot com address. It was an endless series of thoughts in the past how I can have a website with a little help from others. I like to have full control of my things. I made it today!

I just got an idea too! I may want to fly back to Ubud as soon as Tuesday. I had big dreams of going to Palembang, then Bandung, and now? None! I promised a good friend though to watch the annual production of the dance company she works at. I will figure out what’s proper and not proper about this promise. I deal with quite many propers and not-propers these days. The past week, at least three of my good friends sent me email JUST because they ask me a favor. I’m lost what’s proper these days. I haven’t replied to any. I let the time responds the way they respond to my hallo-email (not even asking a favor).

Do I have enough things to blame now? I let the full moon passes first.

Half window buried by lahar at the church of Bacolor, the Philippines.

I still could not think of what I want to eat this afternoon. My food tour yesterday has given me more than enough taste to the next few days. I was too brave to go on a food tour but nothing to be scared either.

I decided to join one of MVP summer tours when I was still in Ubud. I haven’t traveled out of Manila enough that I need to use any opportunity to just travel. And traveling with friends, old and new, is always nice! So I join the tour to Pampanga (about 80 km, 2 hours from Manila) yesterday.

It was quite a big group, 22 ladies and 1 gentleman. We rode a nice coach that had just enough seats for us. It’s nice. I sat by the President, my good friend once lived in Jakarta but we only got to know each other in Manila. I didn’t feeling well when left Manila but it’s nice to catch up with my mate in the two-hour trip.

First stop was the 16th century church of Bacolor that half-buried in lahar caused by the eruption of Mount Pinatubo in 1991. It was buried about 8 meters deep so the front door now was window of the choir loft above the was front door. From outside, the proportion of the building looks a bit out. The museum of the lahar is in the other room inside the church. I was mesmerized by the new building inside the old building. Some doors become so low that we have to duck to enter a room.

The next visit is the Betis Church nearby which was spared from the lahar flow. It was originally built in the 17th century and restored in the 18th century. It has beautiful paintings on the ceiling and in contrast to most century-old churches the floor is made of wood. It has been named a National Cultural Treasure.

After a quick visit to the churches, we went 30 minutes away to the highlight of the tour. 10 (or more)-course lunch at Bale Dutung owned by artist/chef Tayag. I liked the place at first sight! I love wood and art out of recycled things. Perfect! The artist grew passion for cooking only lately that now he enjoys producing food to sell (pure crab fat, fermented shrimp rice, vinegar, etc.) and open his house-cum-studio for people to taste Pampanga cuisine (their local).

His wife is a really good guide for the food tour. She gave introduction of the food we’re going to experience before each course. She guided our taste buds by explaining the difference of, say, with or without vinegar or with or without chili. Before the next course, she asked about our greater liking for the option over another. She also asked us to compare Pampanga cuisine with other local cuisine like Indonesia. There were at least 10 nationalities at the table so the discussion was fun!

After the fourth course, I lost track. After the fifth, the host-cum-food-tour-guide distributed frozen rolled hand towels for the aircon. It was hot though airy in the silong (space below the house; ground floor) where we sat. She showed us what to do with that frozen hand towel on our President. She rubbed the rolled towel on face, neck, head, and made a stop at eyes, ears, and temples. We followed the example at once. We had fun playing with the cold towel. We’re not supposed to unroll it so the temperature can stay for two hours. It’s impossible to unroll either since the water is frozen. It’s a brilliant idea to cool down the body temperature!

Each course was in small portion that is good. After the seventh, the host announced that’s the end of the appetizer. We’re not there yet? We’re looking at each other curious of what would be the next because the challenge had been growing. The host staged the taste from simple to more intricate so by the end of the tour our taste buds are full already. She guaranteed we would not want to repeat the course after the dessert, if we want, the food would be free of charge!

The first main course was pork floss served a la Peking Duck with thin pancake (like pita bread) and spring onion and spicy sauce. I had very little to taste. The second main course was interesting. Guava soup served with steamed veggies and chilies and king prawns. Eat with banana leaf-wrapped rice. I liked the soup so much that heard even Mr. Bourdain was amazed. It tasted like guava with mushroom soup texture. Perfect! I skipped the last main course totally. It’s clam and other seafood that looked greasy.

I looked forward to having the dessert. We got an extra dessert because of our tour guide, Tibok-tibok made of carabao milk. The main dessert was wow… It took us to Paradiso before the coffee. Four and a half hours past. We were being two-hour late to leave Angeles City to Manila. We were stuck in the after-office-hour traffic after the toll road. I was half in the air already. I got headache! My system protested. Having been on lean diet for so long, my system didn’t endorse greasy and high cholesterol food. Or, my taste buds have been simplified by the diet that it needs to be adjusted?

Got home I feel rich not just in taste buds…

PS: I am now reading Tayag's culinary journal Food Tour.  It shows the wonderful life of the couple as food lover and lovers.

The Church of Bacolor.