It takes its toll. There’s something not right about me the past months. If I list them, I end up complaining. If I don’t, I don’t have quite a material to reflect why all these happening to me.

I was so brave to reject my cousins from visiting me last month. Thing I didn’t even have the slightest idea in the past. I often end up be the one who waited for others in some appointments. And as always, I could not tell my point clear enough to prevent such thing to happen, or, to let others know that I’m not happy with their treatment. I was too soft for others and I apparently become too hard to myself.

Any many times, I end up being the one who sounds complaining too much about others and cannot do anything to make better deal for both parties. Because… I was too soft not to show my emotion but I actually exploded to ‘other side.’ To be frank, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to call myself a loser.

I also thought much about what I expect these days. I asked my cousin to help me buying books I need and it didn’t happen. My lampshade order hasn't materialized either, the craftsman keeps saying it'll be ready soon but two weeks have passed. The thing is I didn’t hear anything but yes. It makes me wonder how people commit to a yes. I still have issue about it. Why people do that to others, like they don’t share their thought about anything? Like when I told a friend how I had to wait because I was prompt, he said many people expect us to be late. How would I know that? How would I know I’m dealing with such type of people? Because… I don’t want to ending up to be the one who doesn’t respect other people’s time.

It may sound crazy that I keep my value so high. I do anything properly; I treat people with the best universal ethics. I may not be normal in today’s world. I still expect to see whoever picks me up in airport when I walk out the terminal door. It hardly happens anymore. Meet me in parking lot. Meet me in Starbucks. My report emails go to the drain as well I suspect since I rarely got response of emails I spared time to write because I care about the recipient. No such thing anymore in this world. Nothing is universal anymore. Many have been gone through autonomy. People follow their own ethic. Their own measure.

I wrote this to release my thought. I have tried to share with some good friends to help me getting positive insights of what I felt or feel. But it seems I have sounded like I complain more than leading a healthy positive discussion. I can understand. I also reflect what I should do to vent my disappointment without sounding complaining.

Today I got seaters I ordered pretty wrong. I have made a decision too quick. I didn’t give time for my idea to sink before I let it out. It may have applied to too many things now. I need time and I have to spare time for myself a lot from now on.

Things get blurred in the background.