It takes its toll. There’s something not right about me the past months. If I list them, I end up complaining. If I don’t, I don’t have quite a material to reflect why all these happening to me.

I was so brave to reject my cousins from visiting me last month. Thing I didn’t even have the slightest idea in the past. I often end up be the one who waited for others in some appointments. And as always, I could not tell my point clear enough to prevent such thing to happen, or, to let others know that I’m not happy with their treatment. I was too soft for others and I apparently become too hard to myself.

Any many times, I end up being the one who sounds complaining too much about others and cannot do anything to make better deal for both parties. Because… I was too soft not to show my emotion but I actually exploded to ‘other side.’ To be frank, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to call myself a loser.

I also thought much about what I expect these days. I asked my cousin to help me buying books I need and it didn’t happen. My lampshade order hasn't materialized either, the craftsman keeps saying it'll be ready soon but two weeks have passed. The thing is I didn’t hear anything but yes. It makes me wonder how people commit to a yes. I still have issue about it. Why people do that to others, like they don’t share their thought about anything? Like when I told a friend how I had to wait because I was prompt, he said many people expect us to be late. How would I know that? How would I know I’m dealing with such type of people? Because… I don’t want to ending up to be the one who doesn’t respect other people’s time.

It may sound crazy that I keep my value so high. I do anything properly; I treat people with the best universal ethics. I may not be normal in today’s world. I still expect to see whoever picks me up in airport when I walk out the terminal door. It hardly happens anymore. Meet me in parking lot. Meet me in Starbucks. My report emails go to the drain as well I suspect since I rarely got response of emails I spared time to write because I care about the recipient. No such thing anymore in this world. Nothing is universal anymore. Many have been gone through autonomy. People follow their own ethic. Their own measure.

I wrote this to release my thought. I have tried to share with some good friends to help me getting positive insights of what I felt or feel. But it seems I have sounded like I complain more than leading a healthy positive discussion. I can understand. I also reflect what I should do to vent my disappointment without sounding complaining.

Today I got seaters I ordered pretty wrong. I have made a decision too quick. I didn’t give time for my idea to sink before I let it out. It may have applied to too many things now. I need time and I have to spare time for myself a lot from now on.

Things get blurred in the background.

Funny week continues. Yesterday I sat at Nuri’s Warung for an hour waiting for a new acquaintance from Jakarta to have lunch together. Another waiting that resulted zero. My friend said that I have been too ‘western’ that I cannot understand why people late. My friend might be wrong. My new acquaintance is American. Very western! My guess is people tend to think that people who live in Bali is on holiday. So they take their time because holiday-goers have all the time.

Another friend laughed when I said I need a holiday. For someone lives in Bali? It’s confirmed that the impression is people live in Bali is on holiday for ever. Eeek! Not true. My thought, we need to be away from wherever we live so we can appreciate our hometown. It sounds unbelievable for people live in holiday destinations but it’s true. When we fly back, it feels precious. The feeling of coming back to the paradise is beyond words!

I’m getting ready for Jakarta tomorrow morning. Packing is not an issue since I have ample of kilogram allowance with domestic airlines. Going to Jakarta and later Malang are easy too because I have clothes in Jakarta. Or, I have some stuff I need in both cities. I really enjoyed my day at home. It is a real holiday.

Still I plan a sort of holiday in Jakarta. Although I also bring a complicating new idea to develop when I get back. It’s not me if I don’t sort of complicate my life.

A ray of light, my Ganesh.

Think I have had too many holidays. I’m addicted. And in the moment like now, I’m already high on… a break! I’m intoxicated!

I spent a day with my dear dear friend from Belgium. We saw each other again for the first time after eleven months last night in her parents’ house. It was so nice to see her again. We clicked again right away. This rainy morning, I took her and her two cousins from Holland to Sanur. The famous Sunday market. Just for the fun of it. We didn’t eat much, didn’t shop much. It was drizzling and sunny alternately almost all day.

The traffic in Ubud and on the way to Sanur were incredibly unusual. Full! There were spots that I felt like I was in Jakarta. Sea of cars, and stop. My endurance has run thinner it seems. Bali has pampered me most of the time, traffic wise, but of course nothing is eternal. The girls were asleep.

I dropped my plan to go to Yogya to see my great auntie’s museum project next week. The time doesn’t fit us and really I don’t want to squeeze everything in one single trip. I want to enjoy every moment I spend with myself and close ones. I look forward to starting my next trip in two days though. I have already fixed all appointments: shop, friends, dentist, and hairstylist. A friend suggested us to go picnic in the forest near Bogor that I haven’t said yes. Again, I don’t want to cram all nice things in a pot. It’s going to be a very short visit. Well, five days can be short if every day is fully booked.

A friend shared me about her summer. It s*cks, she said. Her mother in-law is not well, her son’s two lovely dogs passed within 11 days, her new place in other country is not ready yet, two son’s weddings coming within three months… For me, my summer is unusual. So many unusual things happen especially in the past weeks. Till I asked myself more often: it’s me, or it’s the Universe?

It could be me, it could be you!

Sail, sail, sail.

I fall in like with Ubud all over again. I refused to leave house the past two days. The weather is so so lovely although it’s wet again today. The temperature is hardly above 23º all day. Yes, it’s colder when I woke up in the dark. I enjoy bed more and more. Lying awake in the dark half awake half asleep about two hours before get up must have met the recommendation of having a minute of silence before starting the day. It’s not just a minute but minutes but it’s fine, I can also get the benefit to be more aware of what I think, of what I do.

So many significant things happened in the past days. It’s just strange that suddenly I claimed to be in the map. I did something I never did before to relatives for I felt I have shared ample of tolerance for so long with her. It was not one of my days maybe but I strongly claimed my time and privacy instead of entertaining relatives who doesn’t know the value of time and privacy. I’m still amazed that I could do it!  It might never cross my Javanese mind without my foreigner sister and foreigner friend around.

I made quite a good progress around house and homework. I removed the guest bed in the living room yesterday so I can redecorate and… reconsidering. I prepared the next three years of my shop in Monkey Forest. Feel like I have done much but I haven't actually.  I cannot believe I will only stay in Ubud two weeks since I got back from a month away last June. Time flies, time stays.

It’s rare that I have a firm idea for my next travel but haven’t got into a real itinerary yet. I keep checking out calendar, asking and talking with friends and myself like I don’t know what I want. I blame it on Ubud. Because… I want to stay in longer.

My favorite statuettes from Timor.

I feel like king today! Not even queen! I’m on top of the world. I have all the authority to have… fun!

Spending two days with a lady with sort of problems, I found my life simple. Too simple. Or complicatedly simple. It's simple because I can be so happy just because of the weather at the moment. It's so perfect! It’s sunny, but it’s so breezy cool at 25-26º in the afternoon! Summer has come to Bali, I hope. Dry but cool unlike the weather when I got in two weeks ago – wet and wet.

So, yes, I don’t want to do anything today. I practically spent the past four days for other people – friends and relatives. I missed exercise and being idle – mind and body. It was nice but I realize now it’s also tiring in and out. But no day without learning, I learned to master more creating a ‘micro environment’ of my life. In museum theory and practice, micro environment is any small enclosure that has its own internal climate. In life, or in my life, a micro environment means my small enclosure that addresses issues but in the smaller size and scope. I’m better and better in grouping other people’s issues, and my own, so I know which to deal and which to discard.

I discard almost all people’s issues. I listen but I take great distance from it. I stay outside and even try not to watch. I acknowledge mine and only choose that needs ‘better management.’ Thing that doesn’t add to my happiness, simply goes to Trash (like in Mac), and I Empty Trash frequently. I’m happy with my achievement so far. I feel lighter just because I put others’ as my mirror to know what’s more important in my life. And I don’t let people take what’s important for me from me.

Hey, I feel good! I’m going to host three relatives for two nights from tonight! I also expect to see three good friends to the weekend and plan on my next 3-city tour.  Again, it’s always nice to have something to anticipate every day.

Another portrait of a good life.

What a second day of cleaning house! For one, I’m going to host relatives in the next four nights but it’s also time for me to give the house ‘a big bath.’ It’s been long since the past two long trips I made. I hardly stayed home long enough to give some parts a thorough attention. I raided those nook and cranny especially in the kitchen and bathroom where there’s open part. Ubud dust can be black like in polluted metropolitan. It might be because of the damp weather that the dirt sticks. Anyway, it’s a really big project I have been doing the past two mornings.

I had late lunch with good girlfriends from Perth and lives in Ubud. We’re all ex-Jakartan. It was a nice hilarious lunch. It’s so nice to listen to girls talking about what they fantasized. Face job under knives. Thing that hasn’t been in my mind (yet). I liked the way they were so frank about what they visualized when they were by themselves in front of mirror. Pull here, pull there. No wonder that such business has become big the past decade.

I went grocery shopping before home and ran across some neighbors. My dear neighbor was so excited to see me. Yea, it’s been one month at least. Catch up on Facebook is not enough, we talked about his ill Mom and his happy life with his boyfriend. Then I spotted my neighbor who looks after the stray dog that came to our compound some time ago. She and her husband were so nice to have taken the dog to vet to get vaccination. Sally has become a communal alarm now. She sleeps in front of my neighbor’s door. Cute dog I grow to like more each day.

So for such a simple shopping, I spent an hour! A good hour with catch up so nothing wasted. I skipped a visit to my great-auntie in the evening because of uncertain time and it was raining. I rescheduled the meeting to tomorrow morning. I can see that I won’t have much time for my shop and myself in the coming two weeks. I got more emails from friends abroad and in Jakarta asking to meet up in Ubud. Fine!

Another billboard in the National Library, Singapore.

The past few days, especially today, a strange thing is happening. I’m not sure, it’s me, or it’s me? My 3-day roommate asked Pardon? a lot during our time together that I thought hard if my speech was so unclear that she could not hear. Sometimes I had to repeat a word or a short sentence twice to make her understand what I tried to tell. Two good male friends once told me that my articulation was a blur. And when I open mouth so that my articulation becomes clearer, a friend thought I mocked.

I felt like playing Srimulat comedy sometimes. I almost burst out laughing when one morning my roommate thought I said Taj Mahal but actually I mentioned something else (that I forgot) which sounded totally different. I observed her. It might not be my fault. Often I thought people who are not able to ‘listen’ well have a busy mind, or I often said, are in the other world. I have to understand but it annoys me at the same time. Or, I might have annoyed them also?

But… it doesn’t happen to oral discourse only. I learned the past two days from Facebook that people can totally lose track of events though the thread of conversation is there and so clear (to me). Like when I said I miss home, two friends commented Happy traveling!. Couldn’t they see the context? Miss home = happy traveling? And worse, in the thread, a friend already talked about how we could have met in airport means… it’s past tense. Now I’m being a complicated linguist! I’m just curious and wondering.  My hypothesis is not many people 'read.' Often a friend asks something I already mention in email. Oh, you should put it in separate email? Does it guarantee? I doubt it. When you don’t read/listen, you don’t read/listen.

I mildly snapped at my masseuse this afternoon after several Hah?! from her side. She hardly let me finish my statement when she Hah?! me. I told her to wait and listen before reacted. I don’t like to do this but after my experience the past days, I have come to my top.

It reminds me of a book critics (cum-editor) post in his blog:

Writer: May I speak to the editor?

Editor: You are speaking to him.

Writer: I was asked to talk to you to have my book published?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am a good writer, though I don’t write English very well!

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me decide that?

Writer: Do you think you could get it translated into Chinese for the China [Chinese] market?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: Do you think you can get my book translated into other languages as well?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am quite free, you know. I am able to travel all over the world to talk about my book.

Editor: But first, why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me take a look at it?

Writer: I was advised not to send my book to a vanity press in America. Do you think I should have my book published that way?

Editor: Publishers can only publish so many books. Most manuscripts are rejected for many, many reasons, some obvious, some not so obvious. If no publisher wants to publish your book, and if you are adamant about having it published, then you go to a vanity press. You get what you pay for, get it!

Writer: What about a self-publisher?

Editor: You mean you want to publish it yourself?

Writer: No, I want to give it to a self-publisher?

Editor: And who is this self-publisher? Yourself?

Writer: My book is really good, you know? No writer has ever done what I have done!
...

Happy Srimulat-ing!

A billboard at the National Library Singapore.

Do you look forward? My good friend asked if I look forward to my next trip. I thought for a while. It feels a bit far away to think about my next trip. I look forward to starting my day when he asked. I look forward to meeting my favorite salon owner in Mas, meeting my good girlfriend from Perth over lunch, even scrubbing floor after my second washing machine moved to one of my shops this morning. That’s a good attitude! He continued. I thought again. Yea! Now I realize, it is a good attitude to be able to ‘look forward’ at any time in any circumstance. I’m happy! I am.

I stayed home yesterday since I looked forward to creating collage again in my nest. I was not that successful. I spent the day replying some important emails and being a ‘fixer’ to many things for my relatives. There are times that I end up helping out close ones to do things. I don’t mind if I can. In the end of the day, I only managed to create one collage. And, I’m not satisfied with my creation. Again, there are times…

This morning I had my monthly hilarious moment with my color stylist. It’s a good 90 minutes. Smart guy from Java. Funny, witty, and can talk about many topics. With him, I can always see issues from the fun part. And over lunch, my girlfriend I saw last time a year ago, shared about her new life back in Australia. I enjoyed seeing her sparkling. I followed her new stage of life the past two years so I’m happy to see it gets better every year. We giggled like schoolgirls. Two hours is not enough but enough! We’re happy to have met and will do again next week.

I stopped by my shop for a short while. So happy to see the new layout. It’s so fresh! Like decorating house, it needs time to see then put things. I’m excited. I’m satisfied with the progress I made. Now I look forward to my next trip the day after tomorrow!

My last creation for self.

Wow, I ticked so many things off today! I checked my bank again and only got bitter news that my device for internet banking can only be active after six workdays from last Tuesday! I saw my friend being locked out from his bank for almost a week for similar reason. Why do banks make such rules? Security or merely being slow?

I worked in Hanuman shop for a few hours. What relieves me is… I had a chance to meet my landlord finally! It’s about time to talk about the extension of the rent. I had become quite nervous not knowing her decision to let me continue or not. She once mentioned about starting a business herself after I finish renting the first term. Looking for a new space can be quite painful. Location, renovation, after haggling with rate. I prefer to do the easiest option that is extending.

Ibu was nice. We had nice chat about her health, her concern about her children’s business (her son is painter that hardly sells his work), and her plans to renovate parts of the compound. The chat was with a bit gossip about neighbors of course. This is part of a negotiation: listening. We rarely met and she was super nice to me the first time we met two years ago so I didn’t mind to sit longer to listen to her venting. Negotiating the rate was not that hard. We could meet mid way in minutes. Apparently, she really wanted to keep me as renter as long as I can. That is nice!

A big item ticked off!

I made another plan in the other shop. Selecting paintings to install in the other shop for a change. I want to give the shop a new nuance. Not past time but more contemporary! My staffs were so helpful as always in helping me realizing my plan. I appreciate them!

Like other workdays in Ubud, four hours is my all-day work! For one, for me to get from point A to B takes seconds. Literally! Ubud is in… now I’m not sure… low season? The traffic is still bearable. People work as slow so there’s nothing I can do to speed up. Look at the bank, the big institution also does the same. Here we have all the time to do things!

Before the day ended, I spent an hour gardening in the shower area! The creeper on the shower wall had grown quite wildly the past one month I was away. I don’t like cutting plants so what I did is tying the plants to tame its wildness. While doing so, I sprayed the floor with bleaching liquid to remove moss. I found it effective so that I don’t need to scrub hard. The anti-fungal agent works pretty well. So yes, I beautified my shower in an hour! Alfresco shower is the best! What a good life!

Recycled mouse I saw in UP Diliman, Manila.

Summer is here although the weather doesn’t say so. It’s December! It’s raining every day after midday till morning. The sun often looked so promising in the morning but do not believe in it! I had my laundry wet again because I thought the rain could wait. It could not!

So what’s other sign that summer has come? I’m booked up! Heavily. Email poured in asking about my schedule to be in… Ubud! Some have arranged weeks ago, some did impromptu. I don’t mind either way as long as it fits my schedule.

I met a family friend over lunch today. They stay in Nusa Dua for a week so it’s nice to see them here. Being in Ubud means two things for me: work and meet friends. I could not work today for a complicated reason. Tomorrow and the day after are going to be an all-day work before meeting a good friend from Australia on Friday. And I have a bigger plan for the weekend. A sleepover in Nusa Dua or Jimbaran to meet up with a dear friend from Washington? Why not?

My next travel has been fixed. My friend just shook me to join him in another one round tour in Asia. Often we flew on the same day but to different directions. We are only connected via Facebook. We could hardly catch each other even in Jakarta. I was unwell for days last week in Jakarta that I didn’t want to see anybody, not just him. We didn’t manage to arrange us to be in the same destination. Singapore, Bangkok, Yangon, Mandalay, Macau, Malang. Hopefully, Jakarta on the first week of August.

Since I got back, I read Gilbert’s last book Committed. Such a light book to read between errands. Light to read, not so light to ponder. Gilbert is so good in expressing her thought that represents the thought of many modern women. About being a woman in the 21st century! Where the landscape of love and life are not as simple as the love and life of… Hmong women (one of her examples). Her writing has a bit anthropology background that I enjoy reading so much because she brings it in popular way. I don’t need to study about women in Vietnam because I’m so close to Balinese women that I can see the similarity in conducting love and life. Love is not part of one’s biography. Husband is husband. It’s a position. Lover is never in the context because lover entails feelings in a relationship. Auw!

I can feel Gilbert is trying to understand how Hmong women work out the love in their life. While I don’t think Hmong women care enough about how we modern women put love in our biography landscape. The lady I met over lunch this afternoon inspired me to ponder more about this.

Tayag's funky table.

I was so smiley feeling the sun at 9:00 while driving to downtown Ubud. It was raining almost all night and cloudy in the morning so I enjoyed the sun more than anything. I smiled looking at my big-city skin color. Oh so pale like many Jakartan! A month away from the sun is enough to erase my suntan.

I did banking first things first. My internet-banking key was locked up on my last night in Jakarta before left for Manila so it’s been a month I live without virtual bank. I have a long payment list to do that people have been so understanding about my situation. It’s so inconvenient. Now although it takes two days before the key effective but at least I know it’s going to be ready soon.

I also took time to change the service of my broadband connection. Now to… unlimited! I didn’t know that they introduced cheaper package since three months ago so I paid over a million for over usage the past few months. Now I use fixed rate for unlimited. I just don’t know how to access all the information about things if we as customer are not notified. No complain. It happened and now has resolved.

Since I built my shop’s website I realize I need unlimited package to upload pictures and work on many things regarding the activity. I’m willing to help a friend to build website for her philanthropy work that I’m not able to share my time away from my activity yet. She has amazed me. Quit her over-a-decade long job to work for her own office and dedicate the rest of her time to do charity work. I have considered some helps I can offer. I read Fortune last edition about Buffet-Gates campaign to get billionaires to give away half their wealth. That amazed me fine but I’m touched more by the idea of people from my level of wealth. What can we do for others with whatever we have?

I had nice chat with an Indian visiting my shop this afternoon. I was in the shop to plan a new layout with my staff. It’s nice to see the shop with fresh paint. Like new! I really want to give the shop a new pulse this summer. I really hope all can be done within this week that I can see it could. I believe in high spirit!

Old radio at Tayag's house in Angeles City, PI.

Glad to be Unhappy
Rodgers/Hart for Frank Sinatra

Look at yourself, if you had a sense of humor
You would laugh to beat the band
Look at yourself, do you still believe the rumor
That romance is simply grand?

Since you took it right on the chin
You have lost that bright toothpaste grin
My mental state is all a-jumble
I sit around and sadly mumble

Fools rush in, so here I am
Very glad to be unhappy
I can't win, but here I am
More than glad to be unhappy

Unrequited love's a bore
And I've got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore
It's a pleasure to be sad

Like a straying baby lamb
With no mammy and no pappy
I'm so unhappy
But oh, so glad!
One month is like one hour I experienced at the show last night. There were so many interesting scenes on the stage in an hour that I thought the first part of the show lasted at least 1.5 hours. Today last month I left Ubud. Exactly one month! I feel 9.8 if I cannot say 10! Been in 6.5 last week, now I have a benchmark to know my tip-top condition. I felt excited, enthusiastic, and happy doing three-hour labor around the house to prepare my nest.

I’m glad I stayed for last night show. It’s not just because of the show but also because of my good friends. They were so nice to having mothers’-night-out with me. It’s always nice to know another ‘life’ especially life I’d never been… being a mother! I learned a lot about being mothers away from mother country. They are American. It touched me!

My trip home was smooth with a good start. The taxi company sent Alphard to take me to airport. It’s my first time being in such a luxurious van (as in taxi, I mean). I have come to accept taxis in Manila as part of my life in taxis but Jakarta never stops pampering its inhabitant. I thought about it while enjoying the smooth Sunday morning traffic. Life is so easy in Jakarta if you have all the ‘equipments.’ No queue in banks, government offices, or shops; once you are a client, they won't let you waiting. It makes life becomes less tougher in a way.

The flight was full of holiday-goers. It’s nice to see excited faces anticipating holiday in paradise while I rushed to go home – my ever holiday destination. Bali sun never fails me. It touched me to my joints and bones. I’m truly happy to be back home. There’s something magical about Ubud that makes me a crazy fan. I believe I’m not alone.

Now I have quite a long list to do in the next six days before my next… holiday.

Say it again?!

Funny that Sinatra’s song sings in the back of my mind the past days.

Life is funny sometimes. Full of unexpected things. It was raining when I got up, the usual wet morning these days. I waited till a bit late before made a decision to clean car. My car was just clean and dry when the drizzle started again. I let go. It was just strange to see the sun and the rain at the same time.

If feels like December when the rain falls every day that feels damp in the house. There’s something I don’t enjoy much in the wet season. Wet season? Who can tell these days, it’s June and wet in Ubud (that I don’t think it applies to the rest of Bali)? What can’t I enjoy? Smell of damp in the house that is quite annoying since I could not locate the source. I end up using aircon often like in summer. I feel not so good about it but I also need to dehumidify my stuff. It’s a constant issue of living in this lovely but humid town.

And so how do the unexpected things continue to happen this morning? I was so proud of myself to be able to start the day so early when I drove out around 9! I rarely if never failed to be on time but there were times when I had to cut my plan to be on or in time at least. So yes, my pride vanished instantly when I realized I forgot my hair dye at home. For the first time, I had to drive back to fetch something.

And the bank officer nicely reminded me to always bring an… ID! The ibu-ibu in me had simplified handbag in the morning and she could only remember to bring enough cash and an ATM card. Not even driver license! It had been long I didn’t feel inadequate! Anyway, she was nice to just proceed with the renewal of my account-book with a few verifications. In Bali, we need to have KIPEM (local ID that is more like permit to stay) but we cannot use it as a ‘real’ ID for banking. I managed to get my local driver license using that KIPEM actually. Yea, we never know!

I had nice hilarious moment with my color stylist, as always. He colors my hair and my day once a month. Just love him! Another beautiful soul in Ubud. I managed to find gifts for my loved ones before lunch with a good friend-couple in their favorite café. By 4 o’clock, I had gone to three cafés to meet friends. I had quite hectic last day. Even now I haven’t packed my clothes properly. I just printed my ticket. After all the unexpected things since morning, I was so brave to have my air-ticket printed in last minute.

Now I look forward to start my usual four-week trip!

I enjoy my new netbook so much that I look for this sign wherever.

Many of my friends have started issuing dates of their summer leave. Before too long I will be the last one standing in Ubud. But glad, it won’t happen! I will also leave, sooner than I had expected. Things moved so fast that plan was made in a snap. In two days, I will be out of Ubud for the rest of the month.

Been in Ubud almost five solid weeks, I have started to dance to the town-rhythm. And the thought of leaving soon has made me dive into the atmosphere even more. I inhale deeper breath, I listen to gamelan even more, I absorb the green of the town into my memory, I see gebogan (tall offering on dulang) as a work of art not just a part of Balinese life. I could not help texting a good friend yesterday: I love Ubud. I really do!

I talked with a cousin while ironing a heap of laundry this morning. The last batches. It was a nice catch up as often. And as often, a conversation leads to a business. Hung up the two-hour call, I rushed preparing 12 necklaces to send to Jakarta before 15:00. A cousin will open a boutique in an up-market mall on Saturday and was in need of a jewelry supplier. I don’t mind helping. It’s also nice to get a chance of having my creation exposed in larger scale.

I spent all afternoon sitting on the floor packing the leftover necklaces for Jakarta. Nothing left in Ubud as I’m ready to make a new line, new collection. Reset. Refresh. It’s exactly three years last month since I launched my first collection. It’s time!

I had my only shower of the day at twilight. I scratched my legs a lot. Now I have to admit that dust gives polka-dot motif on my skin. For years I didn’t want to admit since I always believed any disease comes from mind especially symptoms connected with allergy. Using positive affirmation works for some allergies, not with dust. Maybe it's time to get out of this humid damp house for a while to recover.

With all the pros and cons of leaving a place called home, I look forward…

A view I'd like to keep in my memory. Entrance of Museum Puri Lukisan.

I packed up necklaces I plan to sell at discounted price last night. For packaging, a good friend suggested individual boxes instead of sheer pouches I have used since the beginning. I ordered quite a lot of boxes that turned out so neat. I was happy till I finished putting each necklace in a box and saw a stack of boxes. Not just that, each box has bubble sheet inside to keep the necklace in place during transporting, and to keep it clean… Ziplock helps!!

I am truly overwhelmed by the packaging. I feel not so good about it because putting the necklaces into individual boxes means creating… waste! I know my product is supposed to be presented in a nice way but how can I deal with this packaging dilemma? (You can actually Google packaging dilemma, it’s an issue these days.)

For me, even without excessive package, I am still going to buy stuff I like. I accept nice packaging if I buy for others as gift. Often I feel sorry to have to stop a shop from going into the procedure of packing stuff I bought. There’s a high-end batik shop in Jakarta that caters mostly Japanese so super nice packaging is necessary. The shop uses layers of recycled papers to wrap every piece that I respect it as part of presenting their exclusive product. What I do then is reuse the papers because I don’t have the heart to stop them from presenting an artwork to their customers. In this case, I cannot refuse, but I reuse. I hope my decision helps the world a bit.

It may sound odd but I decided to give my necklace-fans the choice of getting the necklace without box but sheer pouch. They can always use the pouch for storage. I’m trying to be good to the environment, not to exercise cost cutting. It has impact on the cost in the long run yes but that’s not my initial intention.

I am a forever tourist in Ubud, it seems. Whatever I wear, whatever I carry, whatever accent I speak, I look and act like tourist for Balinese. I don't mind because I admit I still see Ubud from tourist’s eyes. Been living here three years, I still take pictures a lot, anything I find on the way. And this noon, me and my good friend visited Puri Lukisan I hadn't been very long time. A sculptor from Mas shows his work with the help of an art organizer in Jakarta. It's a bit unusual since I don't quite see the business in organizing an exhibition without sales. I don't know, maybe I'm a novice in the industry.

The exhibition is super, and on top of enjoying the exhibition, it feels so good to know that I live in Ubud. I enjoyed the green garden with lotus pond with the beginner’s mind. Later over lunch, my Balinese friend told me that the local usually don't walk around in their own village. They go to other area if they want to relax. My friend could not find the reasons why. For me, there’s nothing wrong to be a tourist in my own town.

I spent all afternoon giggling with three girlfriends. We threw a get-together for a friend who is going to roam Europe for six weeks next week. We are truly happy for her as it is going to be her first time visiting Europe. And it’s good to have a netbook handy since many conversation topics lead to life in the net. Today we learned more about CouchSurfing; how to make a good profile as couchsurfer and how the network works. Amazing! How come the world shrunk into a netbook size?

The sculpture of Darlun.

I write to empty my mind
and to fill my heart.
Writing is easy:
just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard.
Paulo CoelhoCoelho is funny but I only agree with the first statement.

It’s sunny and raining alternately since morning. The sun is so promising that I want to hang my laundry in the sun. Just a minute after I prepare for taking the hanger out, the sun goes away, and heavy cloud reappears. So I stop because I don’t want to run rescuing the laundry from being wet. It’s the same tricky decision I have to make of when to wipe dry car! I didn’t have chance today.

My urge to write suffers the same on-off since a few days ago. When I scroll up the draft page, I can see some unfinished paragraphs I composed in different times and days. When I open my netbook, I can see other unfinished compositions. I was and maybe still am mati angin. Writer’s block? I don’t want to label. I cannot write. That’s all.

It’s a bit sad since I had fabulous weekend. It’s so nicely overwhelming to have met and spent time with many wonderful people in the course of two days. I spent all afternoon on Saturday at a good friend’s birthday celebration. There were twenty guests at the birthday get-together hosted by the host couple. It’s funny to observe how we are all connected. Have lived in three cities, I met friends from all three connections but mingled in the same pot in Ubud. Lately my friends and I often discussed about how we are all connected because we are becoming inquisitive about how large a network can be. Facebook has made the connection so transparent through that mutual friends box.

After the hilarious lunch with speeches, I had a chance to have a peek at our friend’s neighbor lives in a tent-house. They live side by side, sharing the same piece of land, only she built an Out-of-Africa-style tent that she actually lives in. I was awed by the idea of living ‘outside’ but inside. She lives a simple life that it's so simple to become not simple. Working with an NGO on environmental issues in NYC long time ago, she still has passion to keep the ideal of saving the world. She prepares her own soap made of klerak. She refuse, reuse, and recycle things. I admire. Her business is as sexy as the idea. She produces high quality stuff for traveling or surviving in jungle with style. Pure cotton, linen, and other organic materials in white or cream for bathrobe, mosquito net, slippers, laundry bag, and maybe tent also? Looks so pure and… in need of serious washing to remove stains after use. Now I sound so pessimistic. Not at all. I am big fan of her creation. I love white and I don’t mind stains as part of the elegant lifestyle.

So yes, I was so inspired by the idea of living in a tent! I gathered information of how to make it happen, I mean, how to build such! Maybe it’s time for me to splurge on an (I thought) impossible ideas. I understand Coelho’s say about if “you can dream, you can do” and "start moving, so I can start blessing" but yes… I have trapped myself into a scary unsureness about my ideas. So when a good friend, again, started doubting about my and others idea; I look at myself in the mirror. Who am I to judge him have let himself trapped in unsureness? Only, I’m unsure about my power, other may have difficulties in trusting others. Which one is better? None.

The past few days, I mingled quite often with a new friend from New Zealand. She reminded me of my young friend from Belgium I knew last year. They are about the same age and have similar spirit of life; it energizes and inspires me! The old soul trapped in the body of thirty year old. I need to mingle more with such fresh determined spirit yet fragile so I can learn and realize how human we are.

To close my mumbles, I have to record this. About last week or the week before, I saw a little black dog running into my compound in panic. He looked very thin then fragile. I thought he’s ready to die anytime. His skin looked not so good either. Strange that I felt I had connection with the dog (no, Facebook has nothing to do with this kind of connection). I told myself, if this dog is mine, he would sleep in my place. I have wanted to have a dog since long time but I cannot afford (emotionally) since I travel in a long period at a time.

I was not sure if I wanted the dog though because of the skin condition and rabies issue lately. Anyway, a few days later I noticed he wore a red-pink cord around his neck. Does somebody own him? Or, is he vaccinated already? Red cord on dogs’ neck is a code here. Good one! So yes, I find him sleeping on my doormat almost every night now although he ripped the mat off and one morning I found him with bones (that gosh I didn’t know whose!). And the good news is…

He barked at the girls from a warung delivered my lunch today! He is mine, he is mine!! Though virtually!

No, that’s not my dog. It’s Sy’s.

Sudah dua hari ini hujan turun seharian di Ubud. Kemarin aku melewatkan waktu berjalan kaki ke kota bersama kawan baikku. Dimulai dengan bersantap pagi, mengunjungi beberapa toko, dan berbelanja di pasar; dan diakhiri dengan santap siang yang panjang karena hujan deras datang dan pergi. Kebetulan rumah makan tempat kami bersantap siang nyaman jadi kami tidak keberatan untuk duduk lebih lama menikmati derasnya hujan. Hari sudah sore waktu kami tiba kembali di rumah dalam keadaan setengah basah. Aku menikmati berjalan kaki jauh belakangan untuk melatih jantung. Kegiatanku sehari-hari tidak terlalu melelahkan secara fisik.

Hari ini kembali hujan sejak dini hari. Badanku sulit diajak kerjasama karena suasana terasa muram. Beberapa orang senang menikmati hujan di rumah, aku juga bisa menikmati tapi aku merasa kurang kreatif dibandingkan bila aku merasakan hangatnya matahari. Ada beberapa hal yang masih belum aku kerjakan, setiap hari aku mengatakan masih ada beberapa hari sebelum bulan ini berakhir dan tidak terasa kalau tiga hari itu tidak lama. Itu pekerjaan yang mempunyai tenggat waktu, ada juga beberapa hal tanpa tenggat waktu yang masih dalam perencanaanku meskipun beberapa kawan sudah mulai menanyakan. Apalagi kalau bukan koleksi kalung karyaku.

Kalau hujan begini setiap hari, semua terasa lembab, terutama pakaian di lemari. Aku membuat pakta baru dengan diri sendiri sejak kemarin untuk menggilir pakaian di lemari, tidak hanya mengenakan pakaian yang baru dicuci atau yang berada di tumpukan paling atas. Kebiasaan kita semua. Karena lembab, semua barang di rumah mudah berbau tidak enak. Apalagi pakaian yang berada di dalam lemari. Dengan membiasakan memakai pakaian dari tumpukan paling bawah, aku memberi kesempatan yang sama pada pakaian-pakaian itu untuk dicuci dan dijemur.

Ada lagi yang membuat aku menggali pakaian ‘lama.’ Pesta! Besok aku akan menghadiri perayaan ulangtahun seorang kawan baik yang mengirim pesan kepada para undangan untuk memakai pakaian putih dengan sentuhan batik sedikit, atau pakaian batik dengan sentuhan putih sedikit. Aku kurang menyukai memakai pakaian ‘siap pakai,’ aku lebih suka menciptakan pakaian dari apa yang aku punya. Aku menemukan sarung polos dengan aksen jahitan bikinan India, tube penutup dada, dan jaket dari bahan yang sama dengan sarungnya. Semua berwarna putih. Selendang batik bisa aku pilih besok pagi. Semuanya sudah aku siapkan sekarang karena besok aku berencana mengikuti kelas yoga di pagi hari dan hanya mempunyai waktu satu jam untuk bersiap.

Jam berapa ini? Hujan baru berhenti.

Kucing di studio kawanku yang pelukis.

My sister went No sir!!! when I told her I want to go back to school. I know the commitment sounds big that it’s so unbelievable I will take. She is not the first who showed disbelief about my plan. Other good friend tried to give me different ideas if I need a ‘positive distraction.’ What’s wrong with going back to school? I haven’t found an answer yet.

Last week my good friend in Ubud told me with sparkle in his eyes about what his guru-ji told him. My friend wondered if he has done enough in life so asked his guru-cousin what he should do. His guru reminded him that he already has a good life other people want. He is already in the big sea of happiness, not in the narrow ditch finding way to the sea. His message is… Why don’t you just enjoy the ride? The calm ride of being in the big sea. I pondered about it.

I learned to sketch in a private gallery in the main road of Ubud all morning. I had planned to join since last week but only today I went with my new friend from New Zealand. It’s on the second floor of the gallery, bright but closed space. Of course, because we had a life model posing nude for some twelve participants. Heard the participants could go as many as thirty! I was surprised. I knew the model. British girl I often met in many occasions around Ubud. She just graduated from a teacher training for yoga. I admired.

Class hadn’t started yet but my friend already said she was not sure if she could stay till the end of three hours. Actually I was wondering about myself too. I have a short span of attention. Do anything, I cannot focus on the same thing for half hour or so. I can, if I am so much into it. I told my friend not to worry while I was telling myself the same. So we started the warm-up, five minute sketching at a time then break, four times. Then ten minute sketching at a time then break, three times. Then twenty minute sketching at a time then break, three times. Altogether made up three hours. Time just passed. My attention depleted an hour before the session ended. I did my best in the last hour. I enjoyed other participants’ work. They are regulars and looked professional. Some actually painted, not just sketched.

Like school girls came out of class, we felt free walking to our lunch. I was quite satisfied with my work today. The model has nice body that shows bold lines in my eyes. In such class, we don’t see nude body, we only see lines. I wondered if I can be a model. Got home I checked my body in the mirror, I don’t have bold lines because all are in smaller scale. Models for Botero must have rich lines! What an experience stretching self to do something I don’t usually do! Start with sketching, set modeling aside.

I got home late afternoon. I thanked my new friend who is still so young, so young she can be my daughter, for kicking me to join the class. We have arranged our next date. She already called me hot Mama! Merely because I often had hot ideas about hot things. She is just cute!

My sketches today.

How’s your weekend? My sister asked on her Monday late afternoon, my Tuesday morning. Weekend feels so far away already. It took time to recall what I did and felt about my last weekend. I told her that living in Bali, by myself, I don’t have weekend’s parameters. Like I often said: In Bali, everyday is weekend, everyday is working day. Cruising life on my own, I hardly feel what others are up to for the weekend.

What a morning with tying loose ends on personal matters! Made a birthday call and debt-collecting texts. I don’t enjoy debt collecting but really this time I decide to work on that seriously. It’s been almost three years a good friend simply forgets that he owes me a sum. I have been too lenient, I know. I just trusted whatever he told me when he’s going to pay back. In 2.5 years, he has paid back 20%. I’m not ready to wait for another ten years to get all paid. Even with interest, I’m not interested. Just pay me back now!

Anyway, a few weeks ago he promised to pay today. I texted him in the morning, a friendly reminder, and he texted me back saying he rescheduled it to the 1st of June and mid June. I didn’t reply but this time I will follow his promise closely. I will text him again on the 1st of June. I saw his old promise-texts that I keep in my cell phone, yes I was too lenient because I didn’t follow up. It’s my strength-cum-weakness that I always 100% trust whatever people promise me.

Good that I had a surprisingly nice day! Canceled my trip to Denpasar, I got a better trade. I was visiting my shop when my long time artist-friend stopped by. It was a big surprise since I hadn’t seen him two years although we live in the same village. He was chatty today that I liked! Often he was in the state of too much Campari that hardly made himself clear. I guess he had concern about my business. He talked about business these days and what we should do to make money, to be able to sell, if not this then that! What he said made sense to me and I liked when he said he believes in ‘making’! That’s what I thought lately. Making instead of just selling, because making differs you from the rest.

He continued his business speech when my good friend and I visited him in his studio after lunch. He looked so excited. He showed us his new pets (two cats and a long-hair dog) and his new creations that looked so fresh. I adore his work. Wish I had the space for his big painting that I love most. We stayed for another half hour. Really nice chat, I appreciate his care about my business. I admire his drive to keep his business going. He gave me his latest book before I walked out. I felt so good after this impromptu meeting. What a day!

Sy's work I love.

Ubud is raining in the morning after days with sun. It’s nice for a change but it also brings me into rrr… a pensive mood? It happens I don’t have plan to go out today, I’m well stocked and want to tie some loose ends at home. But writing comes first. Apparently.

I have been thinking about this the past days. Why people bother about differences among them? I read on NY Times this morning about colors (red and yellow) have divided a small town in northeastern Thailand. The town is small enough to know the color of their neighbor. It divides the society into two. They burned buildings because of hatred in their hearts. It’s so ironic that it happens to people who hold belief of ‘compassionate, sensible, detached, loving, humanitarian, responsible, and ethical’ in life. They are human anyway with both love and hatred living side by side.

I knew many people had become distant to each other in America during and short after the presidential election just because of the candidate they chose. It’s sad that a father stopped talking with his daughter because of their president. This is a true story, not a rumor!

That’s an example of a bigger scale issue, in the smaller side, I observed the emotion among my friends on Facebook. Differences on point of view have separated some friends. They stop ‘befriending’ on Facebook and both parties don’t show compassion of other’s choice. It’s sad! I told a friend the other day that even Facebook is also like a belief. It's challenging to discuss about a belief because we are simply different, and it should be fine! That’s when I prefer to be a good listener in a hot discussion on politics, religion, or… Facebook! I respect all the differences we have. It’s nice to be in diversity actually, it enriches me in many ways.

I got company to join sketching with life model at a private gallery in Ubud on Wednesday morning. Although, I will go anyway, with or without company but I'm excited! It’s nice to anticipate spending time with this adventurous girl from New Zealand. I skipped this weekly session last week because of a breakfast-date with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen long time. This week I said no to her proposition to do again because I must join the session. The idea of attending for the first time has already fired me up that I will start gathering my stuff for the session and make a collage, if possible, today. I’m a bit relaxed about my necklace-project since a friend brought quite a bunch of my collection to Switzerland. I don’t have much left to deal here.

My week is already occupied by appointments and activities. I’m excited to anticipate each item. After three weeks residing back in Ubud, my wheel starts turning.

My old collage depicting me and the sun.