It takes its toll. There’s something not right about me the past months. If I list them, I end up complaining. If I don’t, I don’t have quite a material to reflect why all these happening to me.

I was so brave to reject my cousins from visiting me last month. Thing I didn’t even have the slightest idea in the past. I often end up be the one who waited for others in some appointments. And as always, I could not tell my point clear enough to prevent such thing to happen, or, to let others know that I’m not happy with their treatment. I was too soft for others and I apparently become too hard to myself.

Any many times, I end up being the one who sounds complaining too much about others and cannot do anything to make better deal for both parties. Because… I was too soft not to show my emotion but I actually exploded to ‘other side.’ To be frank, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to call myself a loser.

I also thought much about what I expect these days. I asked my cousin to help me buying books I need and it didn’t happen. My lampshade order hasn't materialized either, the craftsman keeps saying it'll be ready soon but two weeks have passed. The thing is I didn’t hear anything but yes. It makes me wonder how people commit to a yes. I still have issue about it. Why people do that to others, like they don’t share their thought about anything? Like when I told a friend how I had to wait because I was prompt, he said many people expect us to be late. How would I know that? How would I know I’m dealing with such type of people? Because… I don’t want to ending up to be the one who doesn’t respect other people’s time.

It may sound crazy that I keep my value so high. I do anything properly; I treat people with the best universal ethics. I may not be normal in today’s world. I still expect to see whoever picks me up in airport when I walk out the terminal door. It hardly happens anymore. Meet me in parking lot. Meet me in Starbucks. My report emails go to the drain as well I suspect since I rarely got response of emails I spared time to write because I care about the recipient. No such thing anymore in this world. Nothing is universal anymore. Many have been gone through autonomy. People follow their own ethic. Their own measure.

I wrote this to release my thought. I have tried to share with some good friends to help me getting positive insights of what I felt or feel. But it seems I have sounded like I complain more than leading a healthy positive discussion. I can understand. I also reflect what I should do to vent my disappointment without sounding complaining.

Today I got seaters I ordered pretty wrong. I have made a decision too quick. I didn’t give time for my idea to sink before I let it out. It may have applied to too many things now. I need time and I have to spare time for myself a lot from now on.

Things get blurred in the background.

I’m back in Ubud yesterday after ‘only’ eight days away to Jakarta and Malang. I felt like I’d been away two to three weeks. In the plane, I tried to recall what I did and have done the past eight days. It’s funny feeling that I feel time went slow. Maybe too many things have happened during my stay in Jakarta and Malang. Some significant things like having a new laptop computer. It’s a big thing for me because I live with computer.

My life in Malang was a bit monotonous too. It’s me, it’s not because of other people. I created another website for my new venture that I haven’t materialized. I don’t feel that connected with my nephew because, now I blame, my stay was too short. Often I feel, these days, that there are too many things on my plate. But I don’t want to be trapped in Coelho’s idea that actually I have made myself stuck. But maybe, I’m really stuck.

A friend wrote on his Facebook the other day that his words stay in my mind till today. I can categorize myself as an introvert person but I also share quite a lot about my thought and feelings with my close ones via any mode of communication. I reflect, lately, I feel that there’s something not right about being too externalized. I feel overwhelmed by my own words. Think I need to change a bit that may look like I care less. When every thought is externalized,
what becomes of insight?
When we reflexively post each feeling,
what becomes of reflection?


Hey, need to get up now, start working on the new venture soon! I want to see it flourishing soon.

Mama’s garden from the house.

Funny week continues. Yesterday I sat at Nuri’s Warung for an hour waiting for a new acquaintance from Jakarta to have lunch together. Another waiting that resulted zero. My friend said that I have been too ‘western’ that I cannot understand why people late. My friend might be wrong. My new acquaintance is American. Very western! My guess is people tend to think that people who live in Bali is on holiday. So they take their time because holiday-goers have all the time.

Another friend laughed when I said I need a holiday. For someone lives in Bali? It’s confirmed that the impression is people live in Bali is on holiday for ever. Eeek! Not true. My thought, we need to be away from wherever we live so we can appreciate our hometown. It sounds unbelievable for people live in holiday destinations but it’s true. When we fly back, it feels precious. The feeling of coming back to the paradise is beyond words!

I’m getting ready for Jakarta tomorrow morning. Packing is not an issue since I have ample of kilogram allowance with domestic airlines. Going to Jakarta and later Malang are easy too because I have clothes in Jakarta. Or, I have some stuff I need in both cities. I really enjoyed my day at home. It is a real holiday.

Still I plan a sort of holiday in Jakarta. Although I also bring a complicating new idea to develop when I get back. It’s not me if I don’t sort of complicate my life.

A ray of light, my Ganesh.

Think I have had too many holidays. I’m addicted. And in the moment like now, I’m already high on… a break! I’m intoxicated!

I spent a day with my dear dear friend from Belgium. We saw each other again for the first time after eleven months last night in her parents’ house. It was so nice to see her again. We clicked again right away. This rainy morning, I took her and her two cousins from Holland to Sanur. The famous Sunday market. Just for the fun of it. We didn’t eat much, didn’t shop much. It was drizzling and sunny alternately almost all day.

The traffic in Ubud and on the way to Sanur were incredibly unusual. Full! There were spots that I felt like I was in Jakarta. Sea of cars, and stop. My endurance has run thinner it seems. Bali has pampered me most of the time, traffic wise, but of course nothing is eternal. The girls were asleep.

I dropped my plan to go to Yogya to see my great auntie’s museum project next week. The time doesn’t fit us and really I don’t want to squeeze everything in one single trip. I want to enjoy every moment I spend with myself and close ones. I look forward to starting my next trip in two days though. I have already fixed all appointments: shop, friends, dentist, and hairstylist. A friend suggested us to go picnic in the forest near Bogor that I haven’t said yes. Again, I don’t want to cram all nice things in a pot. It’s going to be a very short visit. Well, five days can be short if every day is fully booked.

A friend shared me about her summer. It s*cks, she said. Her mother in-law is not well, her son’s two lovely dogs passed within 11 days, her new place in other country is not ready yet, two son’s weddings coming within three months… For me, my summer is unusual. So many unusual things happen especially in the past weeks. Till I asked myself more often: it’s me, or it’s the Universe?

It could be me, it could be you!

Sail, sail, sail.

I fall in like with Ubud all over again. I refused to leave house the past two days. The weather is so so lovely although it’s wet again today. The temperature is hardly above 23º all day. Yes, it’s colder when I woke up in the dark. I enjoy bed more and more. Lying awake in the dark half awake half asleep about two hours before get up must have met the recommendation of having a minute of silence before starting the day. It’s not just a minute but minutes but it’s fine, I can also get the benefit to be more aware of what I think, of what I do.

So many significant things happened in the past days. It’s just strange that suddenly I claimed to be in the map. I did something I never did before to relatives for I felt I have shared ample of tolerance for so long with her. It was not one of my days maybe but I strongly claimed my time and privacy instead of entertaining relatives who doesn’t know the value of time and privacy. I’m still amazed that I could do it!  It might never cross my Javanese mind without my foreigner sister and foreigner friend around.

I made quite a good progress around house and homework. I removed the guest bed in the living room yesterday so I can redecorate and… reconsidering. I prepared the next three years of my shop in Monkey Forest. Feel like I have done much but I haven't actually.  I cannot believe I will only stay in Ubud two weeks since I got back from a month away last June. Time flies, time stays.

It’s rare that I have a firm idea for my next travel but haven’t got into a real itinerary yet. I keep checking out calendar, asking and talking with friends and myself like I don’t know what I want. I blame it on Ubud. Because… I want to stay in longer.

My favorite statuettes from Timor.

I feel like king today! Not even queen! I’m on top of the world. I have all the authority to have… fun!

Spending two days with a lady with sort of problems, I found my life simple. Too simple. Or complicatedly simple. It's simple because I can be so happy just because of the weather at the moment. It's so perfect! It’s sunny, but it’s so breezy cool at 25-26º in the afternoon! Summer has come to Bali, I hope. Dry but cool unlike the weather when I got in two weeks ago – wet and wet.

So, yes, I don’t want to do anything today. I practically spent the past four days for other people – friends and relatives. I missed exercise and being idle – mind and body. It was nice but I realize now it’s also tiring in and out. But no day without learning, I learned to master more creating a ‘micro environment’ of my life. In museum theory and practice, micro environment is any small enclosure that has its own internal climate. In life, or in my life, a micro environment means my small enclosure that addresses issues but in the smaller size and scope. I’m better and better in grouping other people’s issues, and my own, so I know which to deal and which to discard.

I discard almost all people’s issues. I listen but I take great distance from it. I stay outside and even try not to watch. I acknowledge mine and only choose that needs ‘better management.’ Thing that doesn’t add to my happiness, simply goes to Trash (like in Mac), and I Empty Trash frequently. I’m happy with my achievement so far. I feel lighter just because I put others’ as my mirror to know what’s more important in my life. And I don’t let people take what’s important for me from me.

Hey, I feel good! I’m going to host three relatives for two nights from tonight! I also expect to see three good friends to the weekend and plan on my next 3-city tour.  Again, it’s always nice to have something to anticipate every day.

Another portrait of a good life.

The past few days, especially today, a strange thing is happening. I’m not sure, it’s me, or it’s me? My 3-day roommate asked Pardon? a lot during our time together that I thought hard if my speech was so unclear that she could not hear. Sometimes I had to repeat a word or a short sentence twice to make her understand what I tried to tell. Two good male friends once told me that my articulation was a blur. And when I open mouth so that my articulation becomes clearer, a friend thought I mocked.

I felt like playing Srimulat comedy sometimes. I almost burst out laughing when one morning my roommate thought I said Taj Mahal but actually I mentioned something else (that I forgot) which sounded totally different. I observed her. It might not be my fault. Often I thought people who are not able to ‘listen’ well have a busy mind, or I often said, are in the other world. I have to understand but it annoys me at the same time. Or, I might have annoyed them also?

But… it doesn’t happen to oral discourse only. I learned the past two days from Facebook that people can totally lose track of events though the thread of conversation is there and so clear (to me). Like when I said I miss home, two friends commented Happy traveling!. Couldn’t they see the context? Miss home = happy traveling? And worse, in the thread, a friend already talked about how we could have met in airport means… it’s past tense. Now I’m being a complicated linguist! I’m just curious and wondering.  My hypothesis is not many people 'read.' Often a friend asks something I already mention in email. Oh, you should put it in separate email? Does it guarantee? I doubt it. When you don’t read/listen, you don’t read/listen.

I mildly snapped at my masseuse this afternoon after several Hah?! from her side. She hardly let me finish my statement when she Hah?! me. I told her to wait and listen before reacted. I don’t like to do this but after my experience the past days, I have come to my top.

It reminds me of a book critics (cum-editor) post in his blog:

Writer: May I speak to the editor?

Editor: You are speaking to him.

Writer: I was asked to talk to you to have my book published?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am a good writer, though I don’t write English very well!

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me decide that?

Writer: Do you think you could get it translated into Chinese for the China [Chinese] market?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: Do you think you can get my book translated into other languages as well?

Editor: Why don’t you email me your manuscript?

Writer: I am quite free, you know. I am able to travel all over the world to talk about my book.

Editor: But first, why don’t you email me your manuscript and let me take a look at it?

Writer: I was advised not to send my book to a vanity press in America. Do you think I should have my book published that way?

Editor: Publishers can only publish so many books. Most manuscripts are rejected for many, many reasons, some obvious, some not so obvious. If no publisher wants to publish your book, and if you are adamant about having it published, then you go to a vanity press. You get what you pay for, get it!

Writer: What about a self-publisher?

Editor: You mean you want to publish it yourself?

Writer: No, I want to give it to a self-publisher?

Editor: And who is this self-publisher? Yourself?

Writer: My book is really good, you know? No writer has ever done what I have done!
...

Happy Srimulat-ing!

A billboard at the National Library Singapore.

Being and feeling healthy is so so nice! I appreciate the feeling every second now. I was at my lowest point a few days ago, I felt. I even dreamed of Mama and Papa that people might think I made it up. Javanese believe in such thing that we have to be alert if old spirits come to visit in our dream. Either they don’t let you come to their space, or… they can’t wait to see you! In my case, I dreamed of them talking about plan to build a villa in Ubud. Don’t laugh! I think the scenery was in Ubud because we looked at rice field and nice gorge. Maybe they reminded me that I still have an unfinished business, so I better get well soon and back to work on my dream. I will!

I got up early this morning, had nice online chat with a good friend, and started the morning with my furry boyfriend. He always comes to bed after breakfast, dozed for a few good hours before the next meal – if he’s lucky to sleep without my interruption. How could I resist?! I love to poke to annoy him that then he pokes back and before too long we are fighting! My arms are still clear from any scratch. I don’t let him get too near.

I had an idea to revamp bedroom today. I moved things and tidied up places. I haven’t asked my girls to clean that they can do after I leave tomorrow morning. I just decided what they should do to clean and clear the air. It’s a nice spacious bedroom that has been disorganized after being occupied and unoccupied the past three years. Like an operating system, it needs a defragmentation. I have simplified the wires including fax machine that has been on since fifteen years ago! Who’s going to send fax these days? I took it off from the system. Sometimes time feels like stop, that everything stays the same.

It’s so nice to have enough time for self (hey, haven’t I always had?). I also took time to pack up my stuff for coming home tomorrow. It’s so luxurious to pack up without having to consider weight. My flight allows 25 kilos and I know they can tolerate up to 5 kilos at least. Even if I have to pay, the amount is small. I decided to leave quite many things here, like I did in Manila. My sister is right. How can I remember stuff I left in different places? I cannot but I enjoy the surprise of seeing them again! Ah, you are here! It seems that I have started nesting quite seriously in Manila and Jakarta houses. Seriously or unintentionally? Either and both.

I’m going to see a good dance show tonight with four friends. A show produced by a dance company where a good girlfriend work. We have anticipated watching the show for months now. They missed a big production last year so I better not to miss this one. I’m going to meet my friend’s four boys before I leave for a drink with my friends before the show. How perfect a day could be!

My furry boyfriend.

I’m 7.5 this morning. I have found an answer to How are you? question when somebody asks. As Javanese, I’m not used to rate my well-being including the state of my… health (i.e. physically and emotionally). Like I often said, I’m not satisfied with I’m fine answer because that’s cliché. Not precise. Am I being complicated? A bit.

But yes, a score can tell more precisely about the total level of my well-being (comfortable, healthy, happy). I was under 7 since I got back from Manila. It’s not easy to lever up the score when I’m not in my tip-top condition. Apparently, my happiness is based on my health. That I know better when I’m not in good one. My good friend commented on my text about how I appreciate health and living in Ubud now. Even more! Just because I was below score 7 for a week!

I was able to stretch my body softly. With Chiko the cat on the mat, it’s even more pleasurable. I also enjoyed loud music I hadn’t done long time. It was nice. I really wanted to give a good lift of my day. My shopping day. Suddenly I only had today to stock up stuff for Ubud. Not much but essential, things I cannot get in Bali. Ya, I still lead a ‘scary’ life where my necessities come from three cities at least. Not good!

I had nice chat over lunch in a busy Chinese restaurant with a good good girlfriend. The reason we were in the restaurant because I wanted a light healthy lunch that was chicken broth with vegetable that I only managed to down half portion. My appetite is still poor. Two good hours chatting was not enough but we really had to part. My good friend always said to close our meeting I don’t want to say goodbye. Fair enough. Although we hardly see each other more than once every four months but we look forward to seeing each other again when it comes to be parted.

We live by ‘look forward’ or at least I do. It gives me good energy to anticipate nice things to happen soon, or later. I am touched by the attention of my good friends who showed how ‘look forward’ they do to see and spend time with me tomorrow. My last day in Jakarta has been set by them. Even my good friend’s three boys are eager to see me if time permits. They will get a slight slot before I meet my other friends in the late afternoon.  Hope it works!

Ubud doesn’t seem so far away now.  A Facebook friend reminded me that I’m not that far from home and before I know it I will be in my tip-top shape again in my nest.

I look forward… to enjoying my last day in Jakarta and being in Ubud on the next day.

My dear Chiko and a comparison. A friend asked me to take the picture so she could tell his real size.

What a strange circumstance I have been the past three days? I feel like I am not myself. I was still uneasy when I flew in very early Monday that I took all Monday resting. I was back on Tuesday to meet two good girlfriends over lunch to unexpectedly rush hour 7 o’clock. I was close to vegetable again when I got home that it became worse in the night. My stomach reacted to something I didn’t know. I could not sleep all night because the upset tummy bothered me.

I was in bed all Wednesday and today!! I could not function at all yesterday till I got pill from my sms-doctor. I felt much better this morning but decided to take another day to just do nothing. I read and managed to finish my website project according to my personal date line that is first of July. I’m happy I managed to do it.

This is strange. It’s been so long I didn’t feel this way, like feeling unwell for days. I bless my days in Ubud that at the same time, maybe, it bears a consequence. I lead a too pure life. I eat healthy stuff with less oil and fat that my tummy cannot take such anymore. I inhale too pure air that stay long in a metropolitan city affects my system. Maybe. I have downgraded my life by upgrading it.

I only have two days left in Jakarta. I very look forward to fly back. If it is not because of good friends and a good show, I would have been… I may not sound happy now but I’m sure I would when I’m back in Ubud and look back what I have shared with good friends and myself. I don’t regret my decision to stay in Jakarta longer.

Time to reconnect with what I feel most important now.

Chair created by Tayag.

I’m a vegetable for a bit today. I had big plans for the next days including flying home that as a consequence I dropped my dates (yes plural) with some good friends in Jakarta this week. Dates that we had made a few weeks ago. I felt a bit bad when told a good friend about my plan to cancel our date. She has been so understanding and I was touched by her remarks. Your body also needs a rest. Do not stretch it just because you like to be constantly on the move. Then I felt bad.  I reconsidered my decision that had been set since I got up. I rescheduled my ticket and all fell into places.

Two friends already suggested me to rest for a few days before flying home. I still cannot accept the reality that my body is under the weather. Literally, I feel under the weather. Like it’s sunny out there and I’m under it (cloudy). I told my friend I don’t like the reality that I don’t have appetite even for food I used to crave. Our body is so powerful when it has come to send signals for us to stop torturing.

My other friend was so happy that I have more time to see her and her three boys visiting from London. I look forward to meeting them too. Now I have settled down about my new decision to accept Jakarta for a week. My cousin in Denpasar was in disbelief that I will stay in Jakarta that long. Yes, that long! I shall not think about it.

Here I am stay home, in computer, and in bed with Chiko the cat. We enjoy our closeness and way to communicate. There’s something magical about befriending with a cat. The unspoken language that binds us. I have created another mini-environment for my life in Jakarta so I’m able to survive being away from home. Where is home? The Indonesian lady I met in airport last night asked the same question. I told her, for me, I create home wherever I am.

I’m at home now!

The creature that turns house into home.

It’s full moon and partial lunar eclipse today. Said whatever you put out will come back ten fold. Tennn fold!!

It’s been long I didn’t blame on full moon for my being a little uneasy in cruising the day. This time I blame it more on the food tour. My body feels uneasy since I got back from the trip that I reckon as part of the hiking level of cholesterol I have the issue for so long. It might not be either since I didn’t eat that much! But for sure, I ate what I don’t normally eat.

I don’t like uncertainty and that comes along with the uneasy feeling today. I blame it on the uncertainty of… packing my stuff! I need to carry some eight frames of my collage work that I don’t know how much kilo I would end up. In the back of my mind, I know things will sort out by itself. I should not have worry about anything. Anything! Practically anything!!!

Who else is to blame? Full moon, lunar eclipse, food tour, and uncertainty?

I have my website officiated (read: paid) today. Knowing that whatever we put out will come back ten fold, I can expect my website will be fruitful ten fold. Aamiin. I’m happy that finally I can claim the dot com address. It was an endless series of thoughts in the past how I can have a website with a little help from others. I like to have full control of my things. I made it today!

I just got an idea too! I may want to fly back to Ubud as soon as Tuesday. I had big dreams of going to Palembang, then Bandung, and now? None! I promised a good friend though to watch the annual production of the dance company she works at. I will figure out what’s proper and not proper about this promise. I deal with quite many propers and not-propers these days. The past week, at least three of my good friends sent me email JUST because they ask me a favor. I’m lost what’s proper these days. I haven’t replied to any. I let the time responds the way they respond to my hallo-email (not even asking a favor).

Do I have enough things to blame now? I let the full moon passes first.

Half window buried by lahar at the church of Bacolor, the Philippines.

If you are an early riser… you feel the day crawls by so long because your time does not match with normal business hour. By 8, you are ready to have lunch. You may be an early sleeper too because you feel tired early.

If you are affected by ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) as in symptoms, not the illness… you jump from one activity to another without really finish each. You do whatever comes in mind first although you are still doing something else.

If you get bored easily… you put extras on many things. In travel sense, you cannot pack light! In shopping sense, one color is not enough.

If you are a bit creative… you have ideas about many things that makes you mildly suffer from ADHD and get bored easily symptoms because you are not satisfied with anything less dynamic.

If you are keen in writing out your mind… your mind is composing sentences in any disengaged-moment with hope it will not end up like many Asian who can switch to daydreaming swiftly (according to a NZ friend’s observation).

If you feel so comfortable with your computer… you abuse the computer. For one is to satisfy your crave for writing, the rest is to manipulate pictures as part of if you are a bit creative.

If you enjoy engaging… you feel frustrated easily to find that you are the only one who provides. Who entertain, according to a good friend with similar idea. The worst fact is… you are born with the habit so accept you may suffer often.

If you are human… you have low time, but remember, so other human. Just a tip, if you notice your hairstylist not in good mood, you better pump his/her creativity first by asking him to show and tell before he/she actually starts cutting your hair.

If you are human… you have low time. Accept the reality that in such time you also lose your creativity so do not meet other human with low time because it becomes low time times two!

If you do not see human often… you can rely on a cat. He/she can make you feel human.

If you keep adding this list… you end up sitting in front of computer all day.

The human.

I’m in the mood of sharing since morning. It’s strange that I was inspired by Laura Calder’s website (yes, my nephew had made me checked out her website). She wrote a brief life update consists of what she does and feels. I always like to share with loved ones my experience and feelings via writing (blog or email) but there are times I feel discouraged by lack of, if no, response from them. Not that I need a praise but I wonder if my friends actually enjoy or do not bother to go through my emails. That’s when I like the ‘thumb-up’ sign on Facebook. It’s a simple way to give attention, no composing needed. But why do I need that actually? Writing is my way to empty my mind anyway.

I used Calder’s writing style to share with my good friends on Facebook. I know some who write and appreciate a piece of writing. It’s good we can create a list of friends on Facebook so I don’t have to worry about sharing my life update with "to whom it may not concern." I also sort of copy the writing style of Time’s feature about the best of Asia’s mind, body, and soul. It’s written by different writers; brief but so ‘telling’ about a place or thing. It’s nice rather than reading a full article of a place or thing. This brief format tells all about the experience, the object, and the feelings that follow. Fabulous! I am so inspired by many through reading today.

Although I missed wandering the city with my dear nephew, I enjoy every minute I spend exercising ideas. I’m laying out plans for Manila too! Finally, here is my first brief update for Facebook friends (also email-pals) I sent out before noon today.

Malang, here I come…

I was gone around 19:30 last night. It was an extraordinary travel day yesterday. I didn’t sleep well the night before and in the morning I found one of my tires flat before I left for the airport. It’s good to know my ex-staff Ketut didn’t mind to get up early and take me to the airport. A cousin took care of the tire later the day. I am blessed with nice people around me. The trip from Surabaya airport to Malang was not bad either. It was sunny and seems that the new mud bubble on the road along Porong has been fixed (though maybe temporary?). Two hours to get Malang home was not bad at all especially because I could doze riding on bumpy road.

Being in Malang one night, I realized I live different life here. It’s so different than quiet Ubud. My parents’ house located near a big campus that the neighborhood is houses that rent rooms (kost) for students. Only a few houses nearby house families. The road can be so busy with chatty students walking to campus; or motorbikes raising its speed. Like many houses in small town, our house has ‘see-through’ fence with plants instead of solid walls like big-city houses.

Inside the house, my dear nephew constantly makes creative noise with his activities. Be it in front of computer (playing games with loud tap of keyboard and music sometimes), in front of television (with news, cartoon and cooking channels), or… in the kitchen cooking! It makes the house alive! Active! Especially because we are both late night as well as early morning persons. We mingle till before midnight and meet again in a few hours around 5 o’clock. I love it!

Yesterday when I arrived around noon, the house smelled fresh cookies from the oven. My auntie was busy baking cookies for her upcoming son’s wedding that I will miss. And before too long, she shared me two jars of… chocolate cookies! I loved it though it’s floua and suga… Indulge now, exercise later! This morning my nephew prepared really nice muesli with yogurt, banana, nuts, god-knows-what-inside. It tasted super! I enjoyed my five-star breakfast! For a change of my simple breakfast a la Ubud – fruits fruits fruits!

Malang was a bit stuffy. Big garden and big house do not help apparently. Many still thought Malang has nice cool weather. I lost such impression the past ten years. But this morning started with nice warm sun but breezy. I was bitten by jalan-jalan (wandering) bug; be in angkot the public transportation, or see familiar places again? But that was not my nephew’s idea. My nephew and I are in the same group of people who enjoy staying home a lot. He didn’t seem enthusiastic about being a tourist in his own town. So here we are! Stay home and back to old mode of reading and writing – offline and online – but in Malang.

Anything, as long as we are together.

Malang, 5 June 2010 10:43 (GMT +7 hours)

My parents' house again.

This is to celebrate the 100th post.

Yea, but what’s for? A friend sighed when I suggested her to buy a netbook for the rest of her journey in Asia that still goes for good three months or maybe more if she decides to go to China till March next year. She is now working on a website she wants to do and some other works, also for a scholarship she applied she needs to blog and network (Facebook and Twitter).

She thinks there’s no point of blogging after the scholarship is announced. She doesn’t want to spend time writing knowing that no one will read. Good point! I often thought about it too. I’m writing a lot to… nobody! Hardly one reads my blog, not even close ones. How did I know? They ask things I have written on blog. They rarely if never comment on unusual remarks I made about my day. They don’t know what I’m up to, what bothers me, what's my plan… And funny enough, they demand to know about my days! Ha.

I’m also a good email writer, I know that very well! And the same, people don’t have time to read an elaborate email. Now I learn how to write life update in journalistic style that is brief pointers instead of elaborate paragraphs. I enjoy it when they write back asking about details of a pointer.

So, yes, what’s for? The same question of what’s for is still streaming in, asking why I took museology training last April. Can’t we just do what we want to do without particular purpose? Is any training wasted if we just do it? If we have additional knowledge? When the same friend asked why I did museology training said she enjoyed helping out in the museum in Sweden, my eyebrows raised. Never mind. I’m glad for I got email from the Indonesian liaison with a museum in Leiden about the book about to publish and they reserve thank-you copies for us who helped with the project. I am in!

I learned that many think writing is a great idea and important but hardly one likes the idea of writing. Even travel journal that I thought traveling is the best moment to record. They thought there’s no point to write since they are not going to reread what they have written because they want to enjoy the moment, the NOW! Do you think I reread my diary books and blog posts from years ago? So here I am, I don’t even read my writing! Maybe they are right in the end. What’s for?

Why are you walking up and down the rope, ants?!

I love my house, I love my house, I love my house. I mumbled while moving around the house this morning. That’s my ‘status’ I wrote in my heart. I just love my house! Maybe because it’s still tidy from Wednesday when I had two good friends coming over and I don’t let it spoiled again by disciplining self to tidy up after doing something. I could do it actually but I also know it might not stay long since I like to do many things in a day, keep changing, keep moving, plus chores I postpone to do. Anyway,…

I had really nice morning. I joined yoga at a well-known yoga studio. My friend recommended this forrest yoga, a class every Saturday, that I found it cool! I loved it, not just because of the yoga but because of meeting friends and new friends. We had really nice hilarious chat over brunch after yoga. It’s an interesting discussion. I always admire young persons who travel the world to find what they want to do in life. My new friend wants to take yoga teacher training but had to postpone it till August because she injured her shoulder. NZ origin, she stays in Ubud doing many things to fill her time. But I liked to hear she feels she hasn’t done enough in using her time. It sounds familiar! I told her that I am in the same stage now. The same feeling of not doing enough.

And, writing journal has become topic of discussion with my friends this week. I found out many like the idea of journaling and sharing it via blog but not many have the… (can I say?) discipline to do. I once told a girlfriend that I will not care about my online journal if I’m not around anymore. She disagreed. She believed whatever experiences I had must have touched people I met in any walk of life so archiving is a good idea. But true, we never know to where life will take us. I’m finishing a well-known porn star’s biography the past days. She wrote the biography (together with a writer) based on her narration also her diary when she was a kid. The book is so interesting because then we know why somebody chooses a profession later in life, especially special profession like she has. So yes, the discussion has confirmed me that I have been in the right track. Write, write, write…

It’s Hari Raya Kuningan today. Ubud looked so quiet yet merry. Rich decoration with dominant yellow. I enjoyed seeing people in baju adat walking to pura carrying tall offerings on dulang or in baskets. Vehicles were also decorated with janur and even some were still with offerings with smoky incense on its hoods. My car underwent such blessing last year. Now I only had my house and merajan in the garden blessed. I feel blessed enough on this blessed day!

Offering on my car's hood on Hari Raya Kuningan last year.

Kata kunciku hari ini adalah disiplin! Banyak temanku menganggap aku sudah disiplin dalam banyak hal. Mereka sering berpesan untuk aku lebih santai dalam berbuat atau bersikap. Tetap, aku merasa belum cukup. Pagi ini aku berputar sekitar rumah membereskan banyak hal kecil yang belum aku selesaikan, sebutkan: membersihkan lukisan yang aku beli di Manila dari kertas bungkus yang menempelnya (sudah dua bulan lebih lukisan ini menanti aku urus), merapihkan tirai di kamar tamu, membuang makanan yang sudah tidak dapat dimakan, mencuci wadah-wadahnya, mengisi alat-alat kebersihan yang habis,…

Ini contoh disiplin kecil yang sering aku abaikan. Aku juga sering tidak menghabiskan makanan yang aku buka dari bungkusnya sehingga aku mempunyai beberapa bungkus makanan atau toples berisi setengah. Aku menunda membereskan barang-barang yang kubeli yang masih harus diperlakukan ini-itu sebelum dipakai. Aku tidak segera mencuci alas kaki yang perlu dicuci sehingga 3-4 alas kaki berjajar di dekat pintu dalam keadaan perlu dicuci. Dan yang pasti… sudah beberapa saat aku tidak melakukan yoga dengan dalih tidak ada waktu padahal aku tidak menyempatkan. Pagi ini aku menemukan cara baru untuk menumbuhkan kembali semangatku untuk melakukan yoga. Aku memilih musik baru, lokasi baru, dan cara baru beryoga. Ternyata aku jadi bersemangat melakukannya. Aku makin percaya teori yang mengatakan selalulah mengemas sesuatu dengan paket baru untuk mendapatkan semangat baru hal/barang lama tersebut.

Aku juga bertekad untuk mengatur waktu bercakap-cakap dengan seorang teman perempuan, teman mengobrolku di dunia maya beberapa bulan belakangan. Mengobrol dengan dia selalu asik karena dia bersedia menjadi ‘tempat sampah’ku setiap saat. Juga sebaliknya. Kami bisa berada di dunia maya setiap saat, sejak bangun sampai tidur malam, keluar-masuk. Belakangan aku amati, yang paling fatal adalah bila kami mulai mengobrol sejak pagi, di jam produktif kami. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana dia menyikapi tugas-tugas kantornya, yang pasti aku mengobrol sambil melakukan sesuatu tetapi tentunya tidak bisa maksimal karena aku sering mendekat ke komputer untuk mengecek dan meneruskan obrolan kami. Sejak aku tinggal di Ubud, ada saatnya kami bisa mengobrol seru dan akhirnya kecanduan. Aku bertekad untuk mulai hari ini aku akan mengatur, bukan obrolannya, tetapi jam mengobrolnya. Aku perlu mendisiplinkan diri dan dia untuk tidak mengobrol sebelum pukul 17 waktuku atau waktu dia. Seperti pergi ke kantor, jam bermain pun perlu diatur. Aku senang karena aku mampu melakukannya setelah menyadari dimana letak kesalahannya.

Pemilik rumahku datang ke rumah sebelum aku pergi pagi ini. Aku malu sekali dan sekali lagi mengingatkanku pada kedisiplinanku yang masih berlubang. Pasangan itu mengirimi aku sepiring besar aneka buah-buahan sebagai ucapan Hari Raya Galungan kemarin dan rangkaian sepuluh hari sampai Hari Raya Kuningan nanti. Mereka yang merayakan dan aku yang mendapat perhatian? Ya, biasanya aku mengirimkan kue kepada mereka, kali ini aku terlewat karena kedisiplinanku sedang turun. Aku malu!

Untuk pertama kalinya sejak tokoku yang kedua dibuka, aku dan kedua pegawaiku mengadakan rapat. Aku melakukannya karena kami baru mengalami pengalaman pertama kehilangan barang karena, mungkin, dikutil oleh tamu. Sebuah gelang tua dari Timor yang mungkin nilainya tidak fantastis tetapi kejadian ini mengesalkan sekali. Kami semua merasa kecolongan. Pegawaiku nampak puas dengan forum terbuka yang aku adakan. Aku juga senang berkesempatan untuk berbicara dari hati ke hati dengan mereka. Lagi-lagi aku perlu kedisiplinan untuk mengadakan ini secara berkala, tidak hanya bila ada kejadian saja.

Hari ini adalah hari libur nasional jadi kebanyakan toko dan bank tentunya masih tutup. Aku percaya Kuta kebanjiran turis dari Jakarta akhir pekan panjang ini. Aku bersantap siang dengan pegawai perempuanku yang sedang hamil enam bulan. Dia nampak sehat dan bahagia, aku turut senang. Kami bersantap siang di warung dengan hidangan khas rumahan di dekat salah satu tokoku. Warung kegemaranku sejak dibuka tiga tahun yang lalu. Kami berbincang-bincang mengenai banyak hal. Aku kelihatannya harus menyempatkan untuk menyentuh pegawaiku secara berkala. Aku perlu kedisiplinan juga dalam hal ini.

Sepiring buah-buahan kiriman pemilik rumahku.

Hari ini hari besar umat Hindu di Bali. Pagi-pagi bau dupa sudah memenuhi udara waktu aku membuka jendela. Tukang kebunku pagi-pagi sudah datang untuk menyapu halaman dan menyiapkan merajan sebelum sesajian khusus Hari Raya Galungan diletakkan, biasanya sebelum jam 12 siang. Aku membersihkan ruang tamu saja, tidak mencuci baju. Sejak aku kembali, beberapa kawanku ingin datang melihat rumahku. Ada bagusnya karena artinya aku harus siap menerima tamu setiap saat. Aku tidak keberatan karena dengan berbagi aku berterimakasih setiap saat atas keberuntunganku mempunyai rumah yang nyaman dan indah.

Aku mencatat sambil memasukkan sisa kalung-kalung yang belum terjual ke dalam kotak yang baru aku pesan. Aku memberinya penampilan baru sekaligus mempertimbangkan untuk memberi diskon berat untuk menghabiskan stok. Aku ingin memulai sesuatu yang sama sekali baru. Membuat kalung batu dengan manik perak sudah aku lakukan sejak tahun 2007 jadi bulan depan genap sudah tiga tahun. Beberapa hari ini aku terkena sindroma ‘been there, done that.’ Aku ingin melakukan sesuatu yang baru.

Sementara aku suka melebarkan sayap dan melebarkan pandangan, kadang aku merasa ditengah kontradiksi antara dua keyakinan. Beberapa hari ini beberapa kawan mendiskusikan Facebook versus BlackBerry. Ada yang pro terhadap keduanya, ada yang kontra pada salah satu seperti aku. Seberapapun menariknya BlackBerry yang mirip laptop mini, aku sama sekali tidak tertarik untuk memakainya mungkin karena aku tidak memerlukannya. Aku mempunyai akses internet hampir setiap waktu, dan aku menyetir mobil sendiri, jadi memakai BlackBerry bukan merupakan kebutuhan. Selain itu, aku menjadi tidak suka pada alat satu ini karena terbukti telah ‘merampas’ perhatian orang-orang yang sedang bersamaku. Entah kenapa, pemakai BlackBerry memberi perhatian lebih pada alatnya daripada orang yang duduk di hadapannya. Aku tidak mau terjebak pada perilaku yang sama.

Facebook? Aku mengerti alasan banyak orang yang tidak menyukainya sama sekali. Kebetulan aku mempunyai ketelatenan untuk mempelajari fitur situs jejaring sosial ini sehingga aku tidak mempunyai kekuatiran yang sama dengan mereka yang tidak berminat meluangkan waktu untuk mempelajarinya. Aku menikmati cara berkomunikasi melalui situs ini karena ‘mudah’ dan banyak sekali informasi yang bisa aku dapat dari paling tidak 105 orang yang berkawan denganku. Mulai dari acara yang sedang berlangsung di berbagai kota, sampai pada artikel-artikel menarik yang mungkin tidak bisa kutemukan sendiri.

Tetapi, di satu sisi ini menyenangkan, di sisi lain bisa kurang menyenangkan. Beberapa kawan mempunyai perilaku yang kurang menyenangkan yang seharusnya tidak membuatku heran. Tidak semua orang memahami etika berkomunikasi yang umum. Kalau tidak mau kesal, aku harus membatasi interaksi. Aku bisa mengerti kawan-kawan yang memilih sebagai penonton. Aku ikut menikmati kehidupan beberapa kawan perempuanku yang baru mengadopsi bayi, paling tidak ada tiga kawan yang usianya sudah diatas 44 tahun waktu mereka mengadopsi. Aku takjub dan salut kepada mereka. Dan kawan-kawan yang memenuhi hidupnya dengan terus berkarya seni atau membantu orang lain. Aku menonton kisah-kisah ini setiap hari, silih berganti.

Sementara kawanku takjub pada apa yang aku lakukan, aku merasa belum cukup melakukan sesuatu. Aku menghabiskan sepanjang sore ini untuk mencari… sekolah! Ada beberapa program doktor yang aku minati meskipun program master dibidang selain linguistik juga menarik perhatianku. Rupanya aku sedang mencari tantangan ‘yang aman.’

Pelangkiran temporer untuk Hari Raya Nyepi di depan rumahku.

Cuaca di Ubud tidak dapat diramalkan beberapa hari ini. Kadang-kadang panas, tiba-tiba hujan; atau kebalikannya. Beberapa hari ini aku terperangkap di rumah karena ada saja hal-hal terjadi diluar rencana. Seperti waktu tiba-tiba koneksi internet hilang sesaat sebelum aku meninggalkan rumah. Pelayanan Telkom begitu bagus sekarang jadi begitu aku lapor, mereka akan segera mengirimkan teknisi, artinya… aku harus menunggu di rumah. Teknisi datang dalam dua jam dan hanya beberapa menit saja kabel yang kendor di gardu bisa diperbaiki.

Hari Minggu kemarin aku memerangkapkan diri di rumah gara-gara aku terlibat komunikasi seru dengan salah seorang kawanku di Ubud sejak pagi. Awalnya kami bertukar informasi mengenai kegiatan seni di sekitar kita. Kebetulan dia adalah anggota dewan sebuah yayasan di Amerika yang memberi bantuan ke para seniman yang karya seninya dapat menyuarakan atau membuat perubahan di dunia. Kebetulan kawanku yang lain pernah berbagi denganku sebuah usulan membuat satu karya seni spektakuler mengenai bumi. Aku mencoba memasukkan usulan kawanku ini ke yayasan tersebut untuk mendapatkan tanggapan. Aku senang kalau aku dapat membantu kawanku mewujudkan impiannya.

Besok adalah Hari Raya Galungan, hari besar yang dirayakan orang Bali setiap enam bulan sekali. Kesibukan sudah dimulai sejak pagi ini dengan ditandai bunyi orang mencincang daging untuk lawar, hidangan khas hari raya. Dan tak lama kemudian bau harum semerbak masakan berbumbu sedap memenuhi rumahku yang jendelanya terbuka bila pagi hari. Aku membayangkan lauk itu disantap dengan nasi panas. Pasti sedap!

Tanpa mengeluh, ada saja hal-hal yang menahanku untuk duduk tenang. Malam minggu kemarin aku jatuh terjerembab di jalan raya dekat Campuhan karena daun yang basah. Lututku sedikit memar sampai hari ini sehingga aku tidak bisa mengikuti kelas yoga hari ini. Lalu listrik padam malam minggu itu dan beberapa jam malam tadi. Dan tadi pagi aku menumpahkan cairan dari kotak penghilang lembab yang berakibat dengan rasa lengket di lantai kayu kamar tidurku yang tidak mudah dihilangkan. Ada lagi semut yang berumah di gantungan jemuran baju yang harus aku atasi. Aku geli sebetulnya karena hidup sendiri dekat dengan alam benar-benar membuat sibuk.

Semalam aku dan kawan baikku diundang makan malam di rumah seorang kawan yang baru saja kerampokan di rumahnya. Aku tidak berani menanyakan pengalaman pahit dia ini karena aku tahu kawanku ini sensitif. Sesudah bercerita mengenai kisah cinta masing-masing sepanjang malam (ya, aku serasa menghabiskan waktu bersama dua kawan perempuanku karena topik pembicaraan kami), akhirnya kawanku bercerita juga mengenai masuknya tiga perampok melalui dinding rumahnya yang berbatasan dengan tanah kuburan. Kawanku masih agak trauma dengan kejadian ini sehingga dia menyewa jasa dua penjaga untuk menjaga rumahnya selama 24 jam. Rumahnya benar-benar terpencil jauh di dalam sesudah melewati sawah dan tanah kuburan. Sepi! Seni lain hidup di daerah gelap dan sepi.

Karena tidak banyak yang bisa aku lakukan sebelum dan sesudah Hari Raya Galungan (sekitar 12 hari!) maka beberapa hari ini aku banyak membaca mengenai pengalaman batin seorang bintang film porno (konon) tenar. Judulnya penuh intimidasi tetapi isinya lebih ke perjalanan penderitaan batin seseorang dari keluarga tidak bahagia yang melarikan diri masuk ke dunia pornografi sebagai mata pencaharian. Kisahnya hampir klise tetapi dia menuturkannya begitu baik dengan bahasa yang sederhana. Aku memahami pergulatan batinnya sebagai pekerja di bidang yang ‘tidak biasa.’

Dari buku ini aku dapat memahami lebih jauh mengenai tingkat produktifitas bila diukur dari tingkat tekanan hidup. Ha! Mudah-mudahan pernyataanku ini bisa menjelaskan mengapa aku sekarang tidak menulis seproduktif dulu. Belakangan, aku terlalu santai! Mungkin karena kurang ada tekanan?!

Sapi nandi di kuil orang India di daerah Chinatown, Singapura.

Beberapa saat belakangan, aku berkutat dengan apa yang dikenal sebagai writer’s block. Tidak hanya dalam hal menulis jurnal harianku ini tetapi juga dalam hal menulis surat! Yang mengherankan aku, bukan aku tidak mempunyai ide di kepala, tapi banyak! Aku sempat berpikir untuk kembali menulis dalam Bahasa Inggris dimana bahasanya lebih efisien dalam menterjemahkan rasa tetapi aku masih ingin bertahan untuk konsisten menulis menggunakan bahasaku sendiri. Tetapi ini akibatnya…

Hari ini aku memutuskan untuk tinggal di rumah lagi. Ada yang tidak aku suka sesudah meninggalkan rumah terlalu lama, rumah menjadi bau apek, mungkin karena selama berminggu-minggu dalam keadaan tertutup. Aku berniat untuk membereskannya hari ini. Aku menjemur dan membersihkan barang-barang yang ada di ruang tamu termasuk bantal-bantal dan mencuci apapun yang bisa aku cuci. Sayang matahari sedang bergeser dan hanya bersinar di sepertiga teras saja.

Sesudah berkutat menyelesaikan menyeterika tumpukan cucian sejak dua hari, aku merentang tubuhku lebih jauh. Aku mulai mencuci jendela kamar tidurku. Matahari sudah mulai turun dan ini saat yang paling tepat karena hawa tidak begitu panas dibandingkan bila ada matahari pagi. Aku puas karena aku berhasil menyelesaikannya sehingga besok pagi aku tinggal mencuci jendela ruang tamu yang lebih mudah dilakukan karena tidak perlu memanjat.

Life is like cooking; before choosing
what you love,
try everything.
Paulo CoelhoBeberapa hari ini aku juga berkutat dengan ‘tantangan’ kawan baikku untuk menemukan ‘apa yang suka aku lakukan dalam hidup.’ Aku kurang suka dengan istilah ‘life purpose’ atau ‘tujuan hidup’ karena istilah itu lebih sulit didefinisikan dibandingkan dengan menentukan apa yang suka kita lakukan dalam hidup. Aku menonton film lawas Chocolat kemarin. Aku sempat bingung waktu membeli DVD-nya karena ceritanya kuingat jelas sehingga aku berpikir aku sudah menontonnya. Rupanya aku telah berhasil membayangkan ‘filmnya’ waktu membaca bukunya. Singkat cerita, ada yang menarik dari pesan yang disampaikan di film ini.

Chocolat mengisahkan tentang seorang wanita yang membawa keceriaan di sebuah kota kecil dengan aneka karya coklat buatannya. Keceriaan yang dia bawa tidak membuat senang beberapa orang terutama pihak gereja yang lokasinya berseberangan dengan toko coklat ini. Menurut pihak gereja, coklat (atau kesenangan) membuat orang lupa beribadah. Singkat cerita, pemilik toko coklat ini harus bertarung melawan masyarakat yang mengecam usahanya dan kemudian melawan diri sendiri. Ada yang menarik dari karakter pemilik toko coklat yang ceria dan menikmati hidup ini, sering dia mengingatkan pelanggannya yang ortodoks untuk tidak selalu mengikuti ‘yang seharusnya dilakukan.’ Atau, pesannya adalah, keluarlah dari pakem kadang-kadang.

Aku suka pesan itu karena kadang-kadang aku masih merasa terlalu mengikuti pakem sehingga aku tidak begitu bebas mengekspresikan diri. Kurang berani mencoba sesuatu yang baru, atau mempertimbangkan segala sesuatu terlalu dalam. Lupa untuk mempraktekkan slogan sepatu Nike yang terkenal itu Just do it!

Jadi apa yang hendak aku sampaikan sekarang? Aku suka apa yang didefinisikan oleh Coelho di atas. Aku masih dalam proses memilih apa yang aku suka. Aku ingin melakukan semua tanpa tujuan!

Meja setrika di museum kehidupan orang Cina di Singapura.