Glad to be Unhappy
Rodgers/Hart for Frank Sinatra

Look at yourself, if you had a sense of humor
You would laugh to beat the band
Look at yourself, do you still believe the rumor
That romance is simply grand?

Since you took it right on the chin
You have lost that bright toothpaste grin
My mental state is all a-jumble
I sit around and sadly mumble

Fools rush in, so here I am
Very glad to be unhappy
I can't win, but here I am
More than glad to be unhappy

Unrequited love's a bore
And I've got it pretty bad
But for someone you adore
It's a pleasure to be sad

Like a straying baby lamb
With no mammy and no pappy
I'm so unhappy
But oh, so glad!
One month is like one hour I experienced at the show last night. There were so many interesting scenes on the stage in an hour that I thought the first part of the show lasted at least 1.5 hours. Today last month I left Ubud. Exactly one month! I feel 9.8 if I cannot say 10! Been in 6.5 last week, now I have a benchmark to know my tip-top condition. I felt excited, enthusiastic, and happy doing three-hour labor around the house to prepare my nest.

I’m glad I stayed for last night show. It’s not just because of the show but also because of my good friends. They were so nice to having mothers’-night-out with me. It’s always nice to know another ‘life’ especially life I’d never been… being a mother! I learned a lot about being mothers away from mother country. They are American. It touched me!

My trip home was smooth with a good start. The taxi company sent Alphard to take me to airport. It’s my first time being in such a luxurious van (as in taxi, I mean). I have come to accept taxis in Manila as part of my life in taxis but Jakarta never stops pampering its inhabitant. I thought about it while enjoying the smooth Sunday morning traffic. Life is so easy in Jakarta if you have all the ‘equipments.’ No queue in banks, government offices, or shops; once you are a client, they won't let you waiting. It makes life becomes less tougher in a way.

The flight was full of holiday-goers. It’s nice to see excited faces anticipating holiday in paradise while I rushed to go home – my ever holiday destination. Bali sun never fails me. It touched me to my joints and bones. I’m truly happy to be back home. There’s something magical about Ubud that makes me a crazy fan. I believe I’m not alone.

Now I have quite a long list to do in the next six days before my next… holiday.

Say it again?!

Funny that Sinatra’s song sings in the back of my mind the past days.

Being and feeling healthy is so so nice! I appreciate the feeling every second now. I was at my lowest point a few days ago, I felt. I even dreamed of Mama and Papa that people might think I made it up. Javanese believe in such thing that we have to be alert if old spirits come to visit in our dream. Either they don’t let you come to their space, or… they can’t wait to see you! In my case, I dreamed of them talking about plan to build a villa in Ubud. Don’t laugh! I think the scenery was in Ubud because we looked at rice field and nice gorge. Maybe they reminded me that I still have an unfinished business, so I better get well soon and back to work on my dream. I will!

I got up early this morning, had nice online chat with a good friend, and started the morning with my furry boyfriend. He always comes to bed after breakfast, dozed for a few good hours before the next meal – if he’s lucky to sleep without my interruption. How could I resist?! I love to poke to annoy him that then he pokes back and before too long we are fighting! My arms are still clear from any scratch. I don’t let him get too near.

I had an idea to revamp bedroom today. I moved things and tidied up places. I haven’t asked my girls to clean that they can do after I leave tomorrow morning. I just decided what they should do to clean and clear the air. It’s a nice spacious bedroom that has been disorganized after being occupied and unoccupied the past three years. Like an operating system, it needs a defragmentation. I have simplified the wires including fax machine that has been on since fifteen years ago! Who’s going to send fax these days? I took it off from the system. Sometimes time feels like stop, that everything stays the same.

It’s so nice to have enough time for self (hey, haven’t I always had?). I also took time to pack up my stuff for coming home tomorrow. It’s so luxurious to pack up without having to consider weight. My flight allows 25 kilos and I know they can tolerate up to 5 kilos at least. Even if I have to pay, the amount is small. I decided to leave quite many things here, like I did in Manila. My sister is right. How can I remember stuff I left in different places? I cannot but I enjoy the surprise of seeing them again! Ah, you are here! It seems that I have started nesting quite seriously in Manila and Jakarta houses. Seriously or unintentionally? Either and both.

I’m going to see a good dance show tonight with four friends. A show produced by a dance company where a good girlfriend work. We have anticipated watching the show for months now. They missed a big production last year so I better not to miss this one. I’m going to meet my friend’s four boys before I leave for a drink with my friends before the show. How perfect a day could be!

My furry boyfriend.

I’m 7.5 this morning. I have found an answer to How are you? question when somebody asks. As Javanese, I’m not used to rate my well-being including the state of my… health (i.e. physically and emotionally). Like I often said, I’m not satisfied with I’m fine answer because that’s cliché. Not precise. Am I being complicated? A bit.

But yes, a score can tell more precisely about the total level of my well-being (comfortable, healthy, happy). I was under 7 since I got back from Manila. It’s not easy to lever up the score when I’m not in my tip-top condition. Apparently, my happiness is based on my health. That I know better when I’m not in good one. My good friend commented on my text about how I appreciate health and living in Ubud now. Even more! Just because I was below score 7 for a week!

I was able to stretch my body softly. With Chiko the cat on the mat, it’s even more pleasurable. I also enjoyed loud music I hadn’t done long time. It was nice. I really wanted to give a good lift of my day. My shopping day. Suddenly I only had today to stock up stuff for Ubud. Not much but essential, things I cannot get in Bali. Ya, I still lead a ‘scary’ life where my necessities come from three cities at least. Not good!

I had nice chat over lunch in a busy Chinese restaurant with a good good girlfriend. The reason we were in the restaurant because I wanted a light healthy lunch that was chicken broth with vegetable that I only managed to down half portion. My appetite is still poor. Two good hours chatting was not enough but we really had to part. My good friend always said to close our meeting I don’t want to say goodbye. Fair enough. Although we hardly see each other more than once every four months but we look forward to seeing each other again when it comes to be parted.

We live by ‘look forward’ or at least I do. It gives me good energy to anticipate nice things to happen soon, or later. I am touched by the attention of my good friends who showed how ‘look forward’ they do to see and spend time with me tomorrow. My last day in Jakarta has been set by them. Even my good friend’s three boys are eager to see me if time permits. They will get a slight slot before I meet my other friends in the late afternoon.  Hope it works!

Ubud doesn’t seem so far away now.  A Facebook friend reminded me that I’m not that far from home and before I know it I will be in my tip-top shape again in my nest.

I look forward… to enjoying my last day in Jakarta and being in Ubud on the next day.

My dear Chiko and a comparison. A friend asked me to take the picture so she could tell his real size.

What a strange circumstance I have been the past three days? I feel like I am not myself. I was still uneasy when I flew in very early Monday that I took all Monday resting. I was back on Tuesday to meet two good girlfriends over lunch to unexpectedly rush hour 7 o’clock. I was close to vegetable again when I got home that it became worse in the night. My stomach reacted to something I didn’t know. I could not sleep all night because the upset tummy bothered me.

I was in bed all Wednesday and today!! I could not function at all yesterday till I got pill from my sms-doctor. I felt much better this morning but decided to take another day to just do nothing. I read and managed to finish my website project according to my personal date line that is first of July. I’m happy I managed to do it.

This is strange. It’s been so long I didn’t feel this way, like feeling unwell for days. I bless my days in Ubud that at the same time, maybe, it bears a consequence. I lead a too pure life. I eat healthy stuff with less oil and fat that my tummy cannot take such anymore. I inhale too pure air that stay long in a metropolitan city affects my system. Maybe. I have downgraded my life by upgrading it.

I only have two days left in Jakarta. I very look forward to fly back. If it is not because of good friends and a good show, I would have been… I may not sound happy now but I’m sure I would when I’m back in Ubud and look back what I have shared with good friends and myself. I don’t regret my decision to stay in Jakarta longer.

Time to reconnect with what I feel most important now.

Chair created by Tayag.

I’m a vegetable for a bit today. I had big plans for the next days including flying home that as a consequence I dropped my dates (yes plural) with some good friends in Jakarta this week. Dates that we had made a few weeks ago. I felt a bit bad when told a good friend about my plan to cancel our date. She has been so understanding and I was touched by her remarks. Your body also needs a rest. Do not stretch it just because you like to be constantly on the move. Then I felt bad.  I reconsidered my decision that had been set since I got up. I rescheduled my ticket and all fell into places.

Two friends already suggested me to rest for a few days before flying home. I still cannot accept the reality that my body is under the weather. Literally, I feel under the weather. Like it’s sunny out there and I’m under it (cloudy). I told my friend I don’t like the reality that I don’t have appetite even for food I used to crave. Our body is so powerful when it has come to send signals for us to stop torturing.

My other friend was so happy that I have more time to see her and her three boys visiting from London. I look forward to meeting them too. Now I have settled down about my new decision to accept Jakarta for a week. My cousin in Denpasar was in disbelief that I will stay in Jakarta that long. Yes, that long! I shall not think about it.

Here I am stay home, in computer, and in bed with Chiko the cat. We enjoy our closeness and way to communicate. There’s something magical about befriending with a cat. The unspoken language that binds us. I have created another mini-environment for my life in Jakarta so I’m able to survive being away from home. Where is home? The Indonesian lady I met in airport last night asked the same question. I told her, for me, I create home wherever I am.

I’m at home now!

The creature that turns house into home.

I don’t feel super the past days, or after the food tour. I still try to figure out what might be the culprit. This afternoon I got an insight, it might be my blood sugar level goes low. It’s been long I didn’t have sugar on my diet. I often have water after every meal, no juice in resto that usually contains sugar, and normally I don’t have sugar in my tea and kopi Bali. Ha. I’ve been too hard to my body it seems. I had tea with two teaspoonful of sugar before left for airport.

I left four hours before my departure because my friend’s flight leaves two hours earlier. It didn’t matter, airport living has become my monthly routine. I flew from terminal I’d never been so it’s all new to me. I used porter for the first time in Manila. My porter was so kind and smiley. I was lucky too the check-in counter let me in although it’s still one hour away before the counter opens.  Also, my 22.4 kilos went in without negotiation. He didn’t ask about my hand-carry bags either that obviously heavy (with two laptops) and big (with two wooden frames). I stuffed my handbag a bit since I was afraid of the kilos.

I pondered a lot about 15-20 kilos we can bring. How can a normal person carry stuff weigh 15-20 kilos when a good light expensive bag already weighs 4.5 kilos. 10-15 kilos of clothes, shoes, cosmetic, books and other survival kits? How can we? My chunky stone necklaces cannot travel with me. I complain a lot about this issue already. A friend who also travels a lot and obviously not a light packer like me said that our life is segmented into 20-kilo parcels. She might be true. I have survived living out of 20 kilos every other month. It should be fine!

Terminal 2 is great. Maybe it’s just me, but I realized the ground staffs are more smiley than in the other terminal. I should not compare, they are smiley period. The building is neat and clean but not too big (six gates as far as I can see). Only a few places for shopping (very few compares to the famous Changi) and only three to four eating stops that offer burgers of any kind.

True about traveling by self opens up to a new human connection. So lack of wi-fi connection has brought me and a family from Indonesia to have a conversation. They are bound for LA from Singapore where they live. It’s an interesting exchange about what you do, what I do. She found my life story interesting, so did I find hers. Exchanging name card closed the conversation, or connection?

I am still two hours away from departure. I better get something to eat although I can expect a late dinner on the airplane. It’s going to be too late for me to eat. I will continue reading the food tour book instead of my magazine that is sold in combo (with the edition about the new Mr. President who’s going to be officiated this coming Wednesday). I have enough information about him. Another interesting life in other country.

NAIA Terminal 2, 27.6.10 18.56

Flower arrangement at Bale Dutung, Angeles City.

It’s full moon and partial lunar eclipse today. Said whatever you put out will come back ten fold. Tennn fold!!

It’s been long I didn’t blame on full moon for my being a little uneasy in cruising the day. This time I blame it more on the food tour. My body feels uneasy since I got back from the trip that I reckon as part of the hiking level of cholesterol I have the issue for so long. It might not be either since I didn’t eat that much! But for sure, I ate what I don’t normally eat.

I don’t like uncertainty and that comes along with the uneasy feeling today. I blame it on the uncertainty of… packing my stuff! I need to carry some eight frames of my collage work that I don’t know how much kilo I would end up. In the back of my mind, I know things will sort out by itself. I should not have worry about anything. Anything! Practically anything!!!

Who else is to blame? Full moon, lunar eclipse, food tour, and uncertainty?

I have my website officiated (read: paid) today. Knowing that whatever we put out will come back ten fold, I can expect my website will be fruitful ten fold. Aamiin. I’m happy that finally I can claim the dot com address. It was an endless series of thoughts in the past how I can have a website with a little help from others. I like to have full control of my things. I made it today!

I just got an idea too! I may want to fly back to Ubud as soon as Tuesday. I had big dreams of going to Palembang, then Bandung, and now? None! I promised a good friend though to watch the annual production of the dance company she works at. I will figure out what’s proper and not proper about this promise. I deal with quite many propers and not-propers these days. The past week, at least three of my good friends sent me email JUST because they ask me a favor. I’m lost what’s proper these days. I haven’t replied to any. I let the time responds the way they respond to my hallo-email (not even asking a favor).

Do I have enough things to blame now? I let the full moon passes first.

Half window buried by lahar at the church of Bacolor, the Philippines.

I still could not think of what I want to eat this afternoon. My food tour yesterday has given me more than enough taste to the next few days. I was too brave to go on a food tour but nothing to be scared either.

I decided to join one of MVP summer tours when I was still in Ubud. I haven’t traveled out of Manila enough that I need to use any opportunity to just travel. And traveling with friends, old and new, is always nice! So I join the tour to Pampanga (about 80 km, 2 hours from Manila) yesterday.

It was quite a big group, 22 ladies and 1 gentleman. We rode a nice coach that had just enough seats for us. It’s nice. I sat by the President, my good friend once lived in Jakarta but we only got to know each other in Manila. I didn’t feeling well when left Manila but it’s nice to catch up with my mate in the two-hour trip.

First stop was the 16th century church of Bacolor that half-buried in lahar caused by the eruption of Mount Pinatubo in 1991. It was buried about 8 meters deep so the front door now was window of the choir loft above the was front door. From outside, the proportion of the building looks a bit out. The museum of the lahar is in the other room inside the church. I was mesmerized by the new building inside the old building. Some doors become so low that we have to duck to enter a room.

The next visit is the Betis Church nearby which was spared from the lahar flow. It was originally built in the 17th century and restored in the 18th century. It has beautiful paintings on the ceiling and in contrast to most century-old churches the floor is made of wood. It has been named a National Cultural Treasure.

After a quick visit to the churches, we went 30 minutes away to the highlight of the tour. 10 (or more)-course lunch at Bale Dutung owned by artist/chef Tayag. I liked the place at first sight! I love wood and art out of recycled things. Perfect! The artist grew passion for cooking only lately that now he enjoys producing food to sell (pure crab fat, fermented shrimp rice, vinegar, etc.) and open his house-cum-studio for people to taste Pampanga cuisine (their local).

His wife is a really good guide for the food tour. She gave introduction of the food we’re going to experience before each course. She guided our taste buds by explaining the difference of, say, with or without vinegar or with or without chili. Before the next course, she asked about our greater liking for the option over another. She also asked us to compare Pampanga cuisine with other local cuisine like Indonesia. There were at least 10 nationalities at the table so the discussion was fun!

After the fourth course, I lost track. After the fifth, the host-cum-food-tour-guide distributed frozen rolled hand towels for the aircon. It was hot though airy in the silong (space below the house; ground floor) where we sat. She showed us what to do with that frozen hand towel on our President. She rubbed the rolled towel on face, neck, head, and made a stop at eyes, ears, and temples. We followed the example at once. We had fun playing with the cold towel. We’re not supposed to unroll it so the temperature can stay for two hours. It’s impossible to unroll either since the water is frozen. It’s a brilliant idea to cool down the body temperature!

Each course was in small portion that is good. After the seventh, the host announced that’s the end of the appetizer. We’re not there yet? We’re looking at each other curious of what would be the next because the challenge had been growing. The host staged the taste from simple to more intricate so by the end of the tour our taste buds are full already. She guaranteed we would not want to repeat the course after the dessert, if we want, the food would be free of charge!

The first main course was pork floss served a la Peking Duck with thin pancake (like pita bread) and spring onion and spicy sauce. I had very little to taste. The second main course was interesting. Guava soup served with steamed veggies and chilies and king prawns. Eat with banana leaf-wrapped rice. I liked the soup so much that heard even Mr. Bourdain was amazed. It tasted like guava with mushroom soup texture. Perfect! I skipped the last main course totally. It’s clam and other seafood that looked greasy.

I looked forward to having the dessert. We got an extra dessert because of our tour guide, Tibok-tibok made of carabao milk. The main dessert was wow… It took us to Paradiso before the coffee. Four and a half hours past. We were being two-hour late to leave Angeles City to Manila. We were stuck in the after-office-hour traffic after the toll road. I was half in the air already. I got headache! My system protested. Having been on lean diet for so long, my system didn’t endorse greasy and high cholesterol food. Or, my taste buds have been simplified by the diet that it needs to be adjusted?

Got home I feel rich not just in taste buds…

PS: I am now reading Tayag's culinary journal Food Tour.  It shows the wonderful life of the couple as food lover and lovers.

The Church of Bacolor.